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Your Best Joke

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  • While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
    "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."


    • Man goes into hardware store. “I’ve got five trees to cut down. What should I use?”

      Hardware store guy sells him a really good chainsaw.

      Two days later the man returns to the hardware store. “I spent all yesterday at it and I only cut down one tree.”

      Hardware guy looks at the chainsaw. It looks ok. He starts it up.

      Man says “what’s that noise?”


      • Not a joke but a funny thing available to buy. The "ammunition" is probably very expensive these days.
        Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.


        • This should be the standard issue unit in Green Bay the Arby's T. V. ad says "we have the (beef) toilet paper". Sherm / Green Bay 63R1089


          • Two guys were about to tee off on the golf course when a funeral procession proceeds slowly by. One, we'll call him Bob, stops and stands at attention with his right hand over his heart. The other guy exclaims: "Bob, I didn't know you were sentimental about funerals!" Bob replied: "It's the least I can do; She was a great wife for 40 years."

            How do you tell the difference between a snake run over on the road and a lawyer run over on the road? There are skid marks leading up to the snake.

            A ventriloquist was telling a dumb-blonde joke when a platinum blonde in the audience jumped to her feet and exclaimed: "That's unfair! Why are blondes always stereotyped as dumb?" The ventriloquist started to apologize when the blonde said: "You stay out of this; I'm talking to that little guy on your lap."


            • Hot tub moving...


              • Let this be a lesson. Always make sure a hand truck you're using is equipped with wheels that are highway rated. And install a red flag on a load that extends past your vehicle! Other than that you're good to go.


                • A man on his Harley was riding along an Australian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
                  The biker pulled over and said, " Lord, build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

                  God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the support required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
                  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

                  The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

                  God replied: "You want two lanes on that bridge, or four?"


                  • After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
                    out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

                    "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

                    "Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

                    "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounting office. It was with the boss."

                    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

                    "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

                    Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

                    Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.
                    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
                    R.W. Emerson


                    • "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
                      R.W. Emerson


                      • Nice work smuggling silly, nonsensical political virus comments in under the guise of a joke.

                        Well, I guess they are a joke. But not in a funny way.
                        Proud NON-CASO

                        I do not prize the word "cheap." It is not a badge of is a symbol of despair. ~ William McKinley

                        If it is decreed that I should go down, then let me go down linked with the truth - let me die in the advocacy of what is just and right.- Lincoln

                        GOD BLESS AMERICA

                        Ephesians 6:10-17
                        Romans 15:13
                        Deuteronomy 31:6
                        Proverbs 28:1

                        Illegitimi non carborundum


                        • Originally posted by Bob Andrews View Post
                          Nice work smuggling silly, nonsensical political virus comments in under the guise of a joke.

                          Well, I guess they are a joke. But not in a funny way.
                          LOL Bob. Get that stick out of your arse. They were VERY funny.
                          Jerry Forrester
                          Forrester's Chrome
                          Douglasville, Georgia

                          See all of Buttercup's pictures at


                          • A section in a swiming pool... Funny! (& just as stupid)

                            Champion V8
                            4d sedan