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  • Still a half hour to go on National Talk Like a Pirate Day here on the east coast so...

    In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, ...
    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers.
    The bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
    The pirate says, "Arrrrh, I knows matey...... It's drivin' me nuts."

    "All attempts to 'rise above the issue' are simply an excuse to avoid it profitably." --Dick Gregory

    Brad Johnson, SDC since 1975, ASC since 1990
    Pine Grove Mills, Pa.
    sigpic'33 Rockne 10, '51 Commander Starlight, '53 Commander Starlight "Désirée"

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    • Dead man walking

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      • Arrowhead Beer Commercial
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfQ-OjroN9E

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        • Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

          She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

          This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

          Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

          To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

          Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

          The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

          Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

          Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

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          • Texas Golf Driving Range
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9TuCJFcZfg

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            • Grammar Lesson


              Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then so here’s yours for today... enjoy!



              Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?



              No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

              In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

              The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

              Here is his astute answer:

              "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

              He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

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              • The difference between unlawful and illegal is unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird!

                Peter Bishop
                Director,
                Northeast Zone

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                • Brothel Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike

                  What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada:

                  Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

                  In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church



                  Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!



                  After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."



                  But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church......

                  "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."



                  In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.



                  The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
                  ​​​​​​​

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                  • PSA:

                    Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my bourbon, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to put my clothes back on.
                    It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.🎄
                    sigpic
                    Dave Lester

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                    • showbizkid
                      showbizkid commented
                      Editing a comment
                      ROFL!!!! Priceless!

                  • A man asked his wife, "Why don't you ever let me know when you have an orgasm?"

                    And she responded, "Because I know you don't want me calling you while you are at work."
                    "All attempts to 'rise above the issue' are simply an excuse to avoid it profitably." --Dick Gregory

                    Brad Johnson, SDC since 1975, ASC since 1990
                    Pine Grove Mills, Pa.
                    sigpic'33 Rockne 10, '51 Commander Starlight, '53 Commander Starlight "Désirée"

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