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  • A shepherd was herding a large flock in a remote pasture when a brand-new BMW drove up. The driver was a young man all dressed up in an expensive suit. He leaned out the window and said to the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

    The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his large flock and calmly sure, "Sure, Why not?" The young man parked his car and whipped a small computer and connected it to his cell phone. He surfed the internet and called up a GPS satellite navigation system and got an exact fix on his location. Then the satellite scanned the area and produced an ultra-high-resolution photo which he fed to a processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he received an email and he turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

    The shepherd say, "Wow, that's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." He watches as the young man selects one of his animals and stuffs it in the trunk of his car.

    Then the shepherd said, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thought about it for a second and said, "Okay, Why not?" And the shepherd says, "You're a consultant." And the young guy said, "Wow! That's correct, but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd, "You showed up even though nobody called you; you wanted to be paid for something I already knew and you don't know anything about my business.......now give me back my dog."
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff


    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain



    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

    Comment


    • Ecumenical Golf
      The Pope and Golf...
      The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from


      Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel
      "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu


      wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the

      friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and

      Catholic faiths.”
      The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never


      held a golf club in his hand.
      “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?", he asked.

      "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s


      a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a

      devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then

      ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as your personal representative.

      In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win

      the match.”
      Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

      The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and


      agreed to play.
      The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican


      to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news

      and some bad news, your Holiness,"said Nicklaus.
      “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,”


      said the Pope.
      “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though


      I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life,

      this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have

      been inspired from above. My drives were long and true,

      my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was

      perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
      “There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.

      “Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.










































































































      Ecumenical Golf
      The Pope and Golf...
      The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from


      Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel
      "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu


      wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the

      friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and

      Catholic faiths.”
      The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never


      held a golf club in his hand.
      “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?", he asked.

      "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s


      a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a

      devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then

      ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as your personal representative.

      In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win

      the match.”
      Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

      The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and


      agreed to play.
      The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican


      to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news

      and some bad news, your Holiness,"said Nicklaus.
      “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,”


      said the Pope.
      “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though


      I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life,

      this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have

      been inspired from above. My drives were long and true,

      my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was

      perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
      “There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.

      “Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.


























































































      Comment


      • : Achmed the Dead Terrorist Goes to Israel | All Over the Map | JEFF DUNHAM

        Comment


        • Buzzard's post:

          E
          cumenical Golf
          The Pope and Golf...

          The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from

          Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel:
          "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu

          wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
          friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and
          Catholic faiths.”

          The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never

          held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?,”
          he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s

          a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
          devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then
          ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative.
          In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win
          the match.”

          Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
          The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and

          agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican
          to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news
          and some bad news, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
          “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,”
          said the Pope.

          “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though

          I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life,
          this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have
          been inspired from above. My drives were long and true,
          my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was
          perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

          “There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.


          “Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.
          sigpic
          Dave Lester

          Comment


          • NEWS - HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO DECLINING BIKE SALES

            The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are because apparently
            the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
            Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.


            A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

            1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
            2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
            3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
            4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
            5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
            6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
            7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
            8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies
            or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
            9. They are allergic to fresh air.
            10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
            11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
            12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
            13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
            14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
            15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
            16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
            17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
            18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
            19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
            20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
            HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

            Jeff


            Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain



            Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

            Comment


            • Comment





              • THE BOTTLE OF WINE

                For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married,

                this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

                Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man

                walking on the side of the road.

                As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

                With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

                Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.

                The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail,
                until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

                'What in bag?' asked the old man.

                Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

                The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

                Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

                'Good trade.....'




















                THE BOTTLE OF WINE

                For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married,

                this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

                Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man

                walking on the side of the road.

                As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

                With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

                Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.

                The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail,
                until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

                'What in bag?' asked the old man.

                Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

                The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

                Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

                'Good trade.....'















                Comment




                • - - - Updated - - -



                  - - - Updated - - -



                  - - - Updated - - -

                  Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

                  Comment


                  • A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
                    Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
                    "Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
                    Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
                    "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
                    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
                    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
                    Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
                    Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
                    Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
                    If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

                    THE NUN FAINTED!

                    Comment


                    • A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
                      HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

                      Jeff


                      Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain



                      Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

                      Comment


                      • Mr. Moth shows up at a podiatrist.

                        He waits some time, then finally it is his turn.

                        The podiatrist is surprised that Mr. Moth was there, but he listens patiently to his complaints.

                        Mr. Moth said, "My wife is nagging me all the time. I am never good enough for her. I think my son is using drugs. I yelled at my boss, and he fired me. I think I'm going to kill myself!"

                        The podiatrist listens intently, then suggests he would be better off with a psychiatrist. Then he asked "Why did you come to my office?"

                        "Your light was on" was the reply.

                        Comment


                        • I went to the barber to get one of those old fashioned straight razor shaves. He gave me a wooden ball and told me to put it in my cheek so that it would provide a better surface for him to shave. I asked, I don’t know, what if I accidentally swallow it? He said no problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else has ...
                          Proud NON-CASO

                          I do not prize the word "cheap." It is not a badge of honor...it is a symbol of despair. ~ William McKinley

                          If it is decreed that I should go down, then let me go down linked with the truth - let me die in the advocacy of what is just and right.- Lincoln

                          GOD BLESS AMERICA

                          Ephesians 6:10-17
                          Romans 15:13
                          Deuteronomy 31:6
                          Proverbs 28:1

                          Illegitimi non carborundum

                          Comment


                          • The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

                            And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

                            And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

                            And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

                            I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

                            So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

                            Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

                            Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

                            I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

                            I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

                            The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
                            Last edited by showbizkid; 08-07-2019, 11:46 AM. Reason: Formatting cleaned.

                            Comment


                            • Retire to the South

                              A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
                              Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing through what
                              little hair he had left.

                              'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing
                              the pedal even more .
                              Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and
                              siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
                              thought,
                              'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the
                              trooper’s
                              arrival.

                              Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette
                              He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.

                              Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard
                              before– I’ll let you go.."

                              The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida
                              State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

                              "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.






























                              Comment


                              • Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
                                “Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty
                                clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I
                                return.”

                                but there is no reply…..


                                He sent another text,
                                “And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my
                                salary at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car”
                                this time, She text back, “OMG really?”

                                Husband replied, :
                                “No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

                                Comment

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