Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Your Best Joke

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Minnie and Mickey Mouse are in court in front of a judge. They are presenting reasons why they should have a divorce.

    The judge is summarizing: “No Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s a little crazy. Being a little crazy is not grounds for divorce.”

    Mickey replies, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was f————— Goofy.”

    Comment


    • That's one of my all time favorites!

      Comment


      • Yup! I agree with skyway. It was first told to me in the best old world Italian family restaurant (I was about late 20's) I had ever experienced. The little grey haired lady was well into her 70's and she shuffled away cackling because of how much she surprised me & my date. It's seared into my memory bank forever.
        Bill

        Comment


        • Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says

          "I'm sleeping with the vicar's wife. Can you keep him in church for an hour after service for me?"



          The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.



          After the service, Bob starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

          Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.



          Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar...

          "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."



          The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...

          "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".


          Comment


          • Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

            Comment


            • Erin go bragh!

              "All attempts to 'rise above the issue' are simply an excuse to avoid it profitably." --Dick Gregory

              Brad Johnson, SDC since 1975, ASC since 1990
              Pine Grove Mills, Pa.
              sigpic'33 Rockne 10, '51 Commander Starlight, '53 Commander Starlight "Désirée"

              Comment


              • Comment


                • A guy goes into a bar in Dallas, where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"



                  The guy replies "Whiskey."



                  The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



                  The guy says, "168."




                  The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.




                  After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.



                  The robot asks, "What's your drink?"



                  The guy answers, "Whiskey."



                  The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



                  The man replies,"100."



                  The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Broncos, the Steelers and the Seahawks.



                  The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.



                  He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.



                  The man replies, "Whiskey."



                  The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



                  The man answers, "50."



                  The robot leans in real close and asks, "So . . . are you people . . . still happy . . . with Trudeau?"


                  Robot Bartender

                  A guy goes into a bar in Dallas, where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"



                  The guy replies "Whiskey."



                  The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



                  The guy says, "168."




                  The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.




                  After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.



                  The robot asks, "What's your drink?"



                  The guy answers, "Whiskey."



                  The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



                  The man replies,"100."



                  The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Broncos, the Steelers and the Seahawks.



                  The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.



                  He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.



                  The man replies, "Whiskey."



                  The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



                  The man answers, "50."



                  The robot leans in real close and asks, "So . . . are you people . . . still happy . . . with Trudeau?"


                  Comment


                  • When three people have sex, it's called a threesome.

                    When two people have sex, it's called a twosome.

                    This explains why some fellows are called... handsome.
                    Last edited by Studedude; 03-21-2019, 09:59 AM.
                    sigpic
                    Dave Lester

                    Comment


                    • HELL EXPLAINED



                      BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT




                      The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.




                      The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.




                      Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?




                      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




                      One student, however, wrote the following:




                      First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.




                      Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




                      This gives two possibilities:




                      1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.




                      2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.




                      So which is it?




                      If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell-before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.’




                      THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A









































                      Comment


                      • My dad told me this one in the late 60's so you can imagine what the cars was...

                        A guy complained to his pal about his awful mother-in-law & the pal asked if she drove a car & the guy said "yep, a VW beetle" while the pal said "if yoy think it's worth it; buy her a Triumph Spitfire & she'll go right off the road soon enough!"...
                        A week later the guy goes to his pal again & says "I don't think the car is fast enough or have bad enough roadholding, she just brags about her new car & avoid letting on that I payed for it."
                        "Then get her a TR6!" says his pal...
                        Some days later they speak on phone & it turns out the only thing the grumpy old woman has done is getting speed tickets.
                        "You better get her a Jaguar then" says his pal...
                        2 days later our guy phones his pal & says: "Ask me how the Jaguar was!", who ofcourse asks "How did it go with the Jaguar?"
                        "Wonderfull, it bit her head off at first sight!"
                        sigpic

                        Josephine
                        -55
                        Champion V8
                        4d sedan

                        Comment



                        • A man named Scotty received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

                          Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

                          Scotty tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

                          Finally, Scotty was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Scotty shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Scotty, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

                          Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

                          Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Scotty quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Scotty's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

                          Scotty was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

                          As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

                          "May I ask what the turkey did?"


                          Comment


                          • Comment


                            • Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

                              Comment



                              • A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
                                The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
                                The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
                                The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
                                The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
                                When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
                                WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
                                His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
                                She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
                                "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
                                PASS THIS ON ONLY IF YOU LAUGHED!








                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X