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Your Best Joke

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  • Your Best Joke

    I am looking for some good jokes. I know that funny is in the ear of the beholder, so we may not agree on what's funny. However, to get the ball rolling, here's one I think is pretty good to get a start.

    A man who is carrying a black bag goes into a bar. He sits down and has a drink with the man next to him. After a few drinks, the man without the bag notices strange sounds coming from the bag. He asks what is in there.

    The first man opens the bag, pulls out a small piano, and a little man, about a foot high, dressed in green. This little guy can really play. Soon the whole bar is requesting songs and singing along.

    The second man asked "How did you find this little guy?"

    The first man said that the black bag was magic. You get one wish and you ask the bag for it.

    So the second man, shouts into the bag says "I want a million bucks".

    Suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks. The second man said "I asked for a mllion BUCKS not a million DUCKS!"

    To which the first man replies "How do you think I got a twelve inch pianist?"

    Paul

  • #2
    Woman sitting on a bus with her baby in her arms when a drunk sits down next to her and says: "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

    After seeing how upset the woman gets, he stumbles to another seat.

    A few minutes later, another guy sits next to the lady and baby and noticing the lady seems upset, he asks why ?

    The lady says " That drunk just insulted me and I fell like slapping him."

    The guy says, "Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you"


    JDP/Maryland
    JDP Maryland

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    • #3
      Minister accepts a call to a new community. He's calling door to door one day on his bicylcle and chances upon a youngster with a lawn mower for sale.

      He needs a lawnmower for his new house and doesn't really ride the bike all that much, so he offers to trade the kid even up for the bike. Deal.

      'Next day, the kid is out riding the bike and goes past the Pastor's house. Pastor is in the front yard trying to get the mower started. He stops the kid and says, "Hey, how do you get this thing started?"

      The kid says, "Oh, you have to give it a good cussin', then it'll start."

      Pastor is shocked and offended, "Young man, I'll have you know I am a man of cloth. Since taking my vows, I have forgotten all the profanity I ever knew."

      The kid replies, "Well, that's OK; keep yanking on that rope and it'll all come back to you!" BP
      We've got to quit saying, "How stupid can you be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

      Ayn Rand:
      "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality."

      G. K. Chesterton: This triangle of truisms, of father, mother, and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Not really a joke, but I laugh every time I think of Rodney Dangerfield saying, "My wife's so slow, it takes her an hour-and-a-half to watch 60 Minutes"!

        Bill Pressler
        Kent, OH
        '63 Lark Daytona Skytop R1
        '64 Daytona Hardtop
        Bill Pressler
        Kent, OH
        (formerly Greenville, PA)
        Currently owned: 1966 Cruiser, Timberline Turquoise, 26K miles
        Formerly owned: 1963 Lark Daytona Skytop R1, Ermine White
        1964 Daytona Hardtop, Strato Blue
        1966 Daytona Sports Sedan, Niagara Blue Mist
        All are in Australia now

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        • #5
          Two men are in a ship wreck on a Saturday afternoon and manage to get to a very small island. The first man runs around all over the island and begins moaning to the second man that there is no food or water on the island and they are sure to die. The second man just sits against a tree smiling and looking out toward the horizon.
          The first man becomes more agitated and yells at the second man. "How can you sit there so calm? Didn't you hear what I said? We are going to starve. No one knows where we are!" The first man just continued to smile and look out to sea.
          The first man is now screaming at the second and finally the man responds, "Back home I make $100,000 a week and I tithe a tenth of my income every Sunday." The first man responds,"So what, your money won't help you now!" The second man says, "You just don't understand. If I don't show up for church tomorrow, I know my preacher will find me."


          1952 Champion Starlight, 1962 Daytona, both w/overdrive.Searcy,Arkansas
          "I may be lazy, but I'm not shiftless."
          sigpic

          "In the heart of Arkansas."
          Searcy, Arkansas
          1952 Commander 2 door. Really fine 259.
          1952 2R pickup

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          • #6
            sigpic
            Lark Parker --Just an innocent possum strolling down life's highway.

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            • #7
              Not new but.....Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

              John

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              • #8
                And the only one I remember on my own:

                An old man, who is hard of hearing, is with his wife in the doctor's office as they finish the man's physical.
                The doctor says, "I will need a blood sample, a urine sample, a feces sample and a sperm sample."
                The old man says, "What?"
                The wife says, "He wants your shorts."

                LR
                sigpic
                Lark Parker --Just an innocent possum strolling down life's highway.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I have too many to count, but here's just one:

                  I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

                  The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

                  After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

                  The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

                  After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

                  'Because I don't want any of those bimbos sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

                  And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

                  Robert (Bob) Andrews Owner- Studebakeracres- on the IoMT (Island of Misfit Toys!)
                  Parish, central NY 13131

                  "Some people live for the rules, I live for exceptions"- 311

                  "Do they all not, by mere virtue of having survived as relics of a bygone era, amass a level of respect perhaps not accorded to them when they were new?"



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                  • #10
                    I am of no help here. I am still trying to figure out the termite joke. [:I] Tracy

                    Can't wait to drive my V-8!
                    '63 Lark

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                    • #11
                      My favorite joke is a visual[], so when ya'll come by here [8D] I'll show ya.

                      '50 Champion, 1 family owner

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                      • #12
                        This girl was so fat, she would have been a medium size at Walmart.

                        A priest, minster and Rabbi were playing golf. They were behind a foresome that was taking up to an hour for every hole. They went to the club manager and said,"what is the deal? we will be here all day." The manager said, "gentlemen, that forsome is made up of four blind men." The priest says," Forgive me mother of God, I have past judgement on another." The minster, "I just did a sermon on intlorence, and here I am casting judgement on another". the Rabbi says, "What, they couldnt play at night?"

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                        • #13
                          quote:Originally posted by shewolf

                          I am of no help here. I am still trying to figure out the termite joke. [:I] Tracy
                          Don't feel bad; I had to think on it awhile, too.

                          The key to "getting it" is to split the word bartender into two words.

                          The termite asks, "Is the bar tender here?" implying that he'd like to chew on the bar, but only if it is tender.

                          At least I think that's the joke.[8] BP
                          We've got to quit saying, "How stupid can you be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

                          Ayn Rand:
                          "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality."

                          G. K. Chesterton: This triangle of truisms, of father, mother, and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I kind of liked this one:

                            The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
                            'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die. She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow.'




                            Paul Johnson, Wild and Wonderful West Virginia. '64 Daytona Wagonaire, '64 Daytona convertible, '53 Commander Starliner, Museum R-4 engine, '62 Gravely Model L, '72 Gravely Model 430

                            Paul Johnson, Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.
                            '64 Daytona Wagonaire, '64 Avanti R-1, Museum R-4 engine, '72 Gravely Model 430 with Onan engine

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                            • #15
                              OK, safe and kids love this one.

                              A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve ropes here. Get out."

                              So the rope goes into the bathroom, winds himself all around, looping in and out, and bangs his ends against the counter until they are all fuzzy. Then he goes back to the bar and asks for a drink.

                              The bartender is pretty put out and asks, "Aren't you that same rope I told to get out of here a minute ago?" The rope says,

                              "NO - I'M A FRAYED KNOT"

                              Jim

                              ____1966 Avanti II RQA 0088_______________1963 Avanti R2 63R3152____________Rabid Snail Racing
                              Jim
                              Often in error, never in doubt
                              http://rabidsnailracing.blogspot.com/

                              ____1966 Avanti II RQA 0088_______________1963 Avanti R2 63R3152____________http://rabidsnailracing.blogspot.com/

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