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  • Joke

    I can no longer find the "Best Joke" page so here it is anyway:
    Got to love this cop.


    A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real

    mouthy jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to

    know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
    instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
    orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.




    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.


    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner


    of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

    The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy, points to the "AH"

    and demands to know what it stands for.



    The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"


    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he


    is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.



    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.


    Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
    reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"



    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,


    same number at the top."



    Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket


    you don't normally make?"



    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
    underlined."



    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    "Aggressive and hostile?"

    "Yes, Sir.”



    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"


    “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”


    ~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~






  • #2
    Like I always say, "The one with the best notes, wins".
    Ed Sallia
    Dundee, OR

    Sol Lucet Omnibus

    Comment


    • #3
      The Stranded Irishman

      'Tis A Bloody Good One Indeed.

      One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
      He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
      As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

      Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

      She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good
      cigar? ”

      "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

      With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

      He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

      "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

      Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

      Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

      He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

      At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

      With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!”

      Comment


      • #4
        Oh Boy Bill!!!! Even my wife laughed hard at this one. Bill

        Comment


        • #5
          Subject: Popsicle
          With their 8 year old son confined with them in the apartment due to the Covid-19, the only way for his parents to pull off a "quickie" during this isolation period was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbours activities.
          "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted and began his commentary as his parents put their plan into action.

          "An ambulance just drove by! Looks like the Anderson's have company. Matt's riding a new bike. Looks like the Sander's are moving."

          After a few more minutes he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

          Startled, his parents shot up in bed and his dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

          "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

          Comment


          • #6
            How a butterfly destroyed my neighbor's roof:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uviu_I-1-4Y

            Comment


            • #7
              Click image for larger version

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              Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

              Comment


              • #8
                These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

                ADULT:

                A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

                BEAUTY PARLOR:
                A place where women curl up and dye.

                CANNIBAL:
                Someone who is fed up with people.

                CHICKENS:
                The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

                COMMITTEE:
                A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

                DUST:
                Mud with the juice squeezed out.

                EGOTIST:
                Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

                HANDKERCHIEF:
                Cold Storage.

                INFLATION:
                Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

                MOSQUITO:
                An insect that makes you like flies better.

                RAISIN:
                Grape with a sunburn.

                SECRET:
                Something you tell to one person at a time.

                SKELETON:
                A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

                TOOTHACHE:
                The pain that drives you to extraction.

                TOMORROW:
                One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

                YAWN:
                An honest opinion openly expressed.


                WRINKLES:
                Something other people have,
                Similar to my character lines.

                Comment


                • #9

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                  • #10

                    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

                    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

                    To: My Loving Wife
                    Subject: I’ve Arrived
                    Date: November 18, 2004

                    I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

                    PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.






                    sigpic
                    Dave Lester

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

                      The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

                      When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

                      I guess I have been sheltering too long.

                      Bob Miles

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        10 Quick One Line Jokes

                        1. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of the people will get this joke.

                        2. What do dentists call their x-rays?

                        Tooth pics!

                        3. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

                        It had great food, but no atmosphere.

                        4. What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

                        5. Why should you never trust stairs? Because they are always up to something

                        6. When does a joke become a "dad" joke? When it becomes apparent.

                        7.I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did. ( read slow if you don't get it at first)

                        8. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

                        9.How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

                        10. My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much. I told them "Just you wait"

                        Rim shot

                        Bob Miles

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                        • #13
                          10 more groaners

                          1 Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, quite honestly because he is a pain in the neck.

                          2.What is the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know but the flag is a big plus

                          3. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel

                          4.Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire (think about it)

                          5. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

                          6.Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course it can. The Empire State Building can't jump.

                          7. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.

                          8. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

                          9. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here".

                          10. What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves

                          Badda Bing Badda Boom

                          Bob Miles

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                          • #14
                            Bob,
                            Cute, especially #5, but perhaps it's time you got outside for some fresh air!
                            Bill

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Buzzard View Post
                              Bob,
                              Cute, especially #5, but perhaps it's time you got outside for some fresh air!
                              Bill
                              Bill,

                              I plan on it but still waiting for the temperature to start being consistently below 100 degrees. Probably the same reason you have not come to Arizona. I need to get under the 1956 President Classic to replace a broken fuel line but don't like working on hot parts even in the shade.

                              By the way, I have many more one liners if anyone wants to hear them.

                              Bob Miles

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