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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #81
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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  2. #82
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    A Van Groaner

    Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

    His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
    The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
    The brother who worked at a convenience store -----------Stop N Gogh
    The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
    His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
    His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
    The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------------- Gring Gogh
    The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------------ Wells-far Gogh
    The constipated uncle ----------------------------------- Can't Gogh
    The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
    The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
    The fruit-loving cousin ----------------------------------- Man Gogh
    An aunt who taught p! ositive thinking ----------------- Way-to-Gogh
    The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------- Poe Gogh
    A sister who loved disco ------------------------------------Go Gogh
    And his niece who ! travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

    I saw you smiling . . . there ya! Gogh!



    "It's like deja vu all over again."--Yogi Berra

  3. #83
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

    3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

    4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

    5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

    7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.

    8. A will is a dead give-away.

    9. If you don 't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.

    11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.

    15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.

    17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.

    18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.

    20. He had a photographic me mory which was never developed.

    21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.

  4. #84
    President Member Johnnywiffer's Avatar
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    Two brothers, 8 and 10, were talking in their bedroom.

    10-year old said, “You know, I think I’m old enough to start swearing. Tomorrow at breakfast I’m gonna use the word ‘h*ll’”.

    His brother said, “Well if you’re old enough, so am I. I think I’ll start with the word ‘*ss’”.

    Next day, they go downstairs to breakfast; Mother asks the 1st kid, “What would you like for breakfast?”

    10-year old stretches and kinda slurs, “Well, h*ll, think I’ll have me some Cheerios.”

    Mother grabs him, knocks him off his chair. He rolls into a little ball on the other side of the room.

    Mother says to the other kid, “And what do YOU want for breakfast?”

    8-year old says, “Well, you can bet your *ss it won’t be Cheerios!”

    John

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    Bubba wasn't the brightest guy in town, but one day he came into a nice inheritance. He bought himself a new convertible and drove off the lot, tires squealing. After cruising down the interstate for a few miles, he noticed a State Trooper behind him with lights flashing. When Bubba pulled over, the Trooper came up to him and said, "You were doing 95 and weaving in and out of traffic endangering everyone on the road. Do you have any I.D.?" Bubba looked at the Trooper and said, "About what?"

    A man was jogging on a footpath along a river, when he noticed a blonde walking on the other side. He shouted over to her, "Excuse me Miss, how to you get to the other side?" The blonde, looking confused, replied, "You are on the other side!"

  6. #86
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    This Farmer was having a bad year, so he goes into town , and asked the grocer for fifty baby chicks. A few weeks past ,and the farmer is back at the grocer asking for another fifty baby chicks, he pays and leaves. Well a few weeks later ,he's back again ,this time the grocer is getting curious, so he decides to ask the farmer! The farmer speaks up and says ,can you tell me ,am I planting them to close together or to deep?

  7. #87
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    Some Aussie humor

    This bloke was driving through the countryside when his car abruptly stopped. He pulled over, got out,lifted up the hood and started looking for the problem.

    Suddenly he heard a voice saying " reconnect the wire to the coil ".
    He jumped back, looked around, but there was no one there, only a brown horse leaning over the fence.

    Shocked, he looked down and saw that the wire had come off the coil so he quickly reconnected it and drove 10km to the next town.

    Shaken, he went straight to the pub and ordered a whisky.
    " Bartender " he said, " your never going to believe this but my car broke down 10km out of town and a brown horse told me how to fix it"

    "Gees your lucky" said the bartender " there's a white horse about 5km out of town and he knows nothing about cars."
    pb

  8. #88
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    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read:

    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
    It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those #$%&*!# at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna



  9. #89
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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  10. #90
    Speedster Member JJWMACHINECO's Avatar
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    Trailer Park Humor

    Here is some very funny trailer park humor.

    http://www.mytrailerpark.com/

    And no, it's not the one I live in.


    J&JW Machine Co.
    Bubbaland South
    Resident Machinist

  11. #91
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    Two guys walk into a bar, one right behind the other. I thought the second guy would have ducked.

    One you can tell your grandkids: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

    A flasher walked up to a trio of elderly ladies strolling in the park and opened his coat. The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arms were too short.

    My grandfather loved this one:

    After a long and eventful life Vito lay in his bedroom, waiting for the inevitable. As he ponders the events and happenings he witnessed and took part in through the years, he catches a whiff of his wife Marie's red gravy simmering on the stove. As he savors the scent, he thinks about all of the Sundays he sat at the table in the dining room and enjoyed his wife's pasta, meatballs, braciola, and all of the other delicacies that flowed from the stove in Marie's kitchen. Summoning a superhuman burst of strength, Vito staggers to his feet, wraps hgis robe around his bony shoulders, and makes his way slowly down the hall to the stairs. Leaning against the wall, he half walks, half crawls down the stairs and through the living room to the kitchen, where he sees the table groaning with all of his favorites. Meatballs, pasta, chicken, steak piazzola, eggplant parmagiana, lasagna, and at the end of the table, a plate of Marie's famous meatballs.

    "One last meatball, and I can die happy," thinks Vito, as he reaches out with trembling fingers to take a meatball from the plate. As his fingers brush the surface of the delicious treat, Marie whirls around like a dervish and-CRACK!-smacks Vito across the knuckles.

    "What are you DOING?" shrieks Marie. "Those are for the FUNERAL!"

  12. #92
    President Member aarrggh's Avatar
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    What did the Porcupine say when it backed into a cactus ?
    Is that you mom ?

  13. #93
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?


    Quote Originally Posted by aarrggh View Post
    What did the Porcupine say when it backed into a cactus ?
    Is that you mom ?

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    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    We all know that one, Jeff. Remember, this is a family forum.
    Good one though. Is it a joke?
    Last edited by rockne10; 09-22-2010 at 08:39 PM.

  15. #95
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    You did. Constabulary deduction?

  16. #96
    President Member aarrggh's Avatar
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    What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
    A fsh ! Get it ? FSH ? ! Haaaaaa

  17. #97
    President Member aarrggh's Avatar
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    No Likey ? Lets see you do better . !

  18. #98
    President Member Johnnywiffer's Avatar
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    Guy goes running into the Dr.'s office, past the receptionist, straight to the Dr.

    "Doctor! Doctor! My dinghy fell off!"

    "What?"

    "Yep, when I woke up this morning, there it was lying on the floor. I got it here in my shirt pocket."

    "Show me!"

    "Here it is. What do I do?"

    "Why, man, that's no dinghy, that's a White Owl cigar!"

    "Oh, my gosh! I smoked my dinghy!"

    John

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    Walking in the park yesterday I saw the most beautiful woman in the world. Our eyes met, sparks flew, and soon we were making love in the bushes.
    Them tasers are well worth the money.
    Of course it will fit, I have a torch.
    53 coupe, to be brought back from the dead.

  20. #100
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    Why do cows wear BELLS around their necks?


    Because their HORNS don't work!
    JimsLeadCommander

  21. #101
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    After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
    'Let me see if I've got this right.
    'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
    'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
    'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
    'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
    'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
    'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
    'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY

  22. #102
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    Texting Abbreviations for Seniors

    FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
    BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
    ROFLACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
    DWI: Driving While Incontinent
    LOL: Living On Lipitor
    OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
    IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
    WTF: What's Today's Fish?
    BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
    GTG: Gotta Groan
    TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock Early Bird Special)
    FWB: Friend With Betablockers
    FYI: For Your Indigestion
    JK: Just Kvetching
    TTYL: Talk To You Louder
    MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
    LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
    LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
    MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
    SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
    WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
    GOML: Get Off My Lawn

  23. #103
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    Man went to Wally World and came back out to the parking lot to go home.. "Dam somebody stole my truck, gotta call the police" After going in the front door to call , wife(Betty) said you dummie, we came in the car!!

    I'll not say who did such a thing !!

  24. #104
    President Member Johnnywiffer's Avatar
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    HOUSE OF ILL-REPUTE


    Two kids are sitting on the curb outside a house of ill-repute. A guy walks up to the door, knocks. Comes a voice from inside, “What do you want?”

    “You know what I want.”

    “How much money you got?>”

    “10 bucks”

    “Come on in.”

    One kid looks at the other, “What do you suppose that was all about?”

    “Dunno”

    In a moment, it happens again. “What do you want?” “You know what I want.” “How much money you got” “10 bucks” “Come on in.”

    1st kid—“What IS going on in there?”

    Other kid, “Dunno. How much money YOU got?”

    “Seven cents. How much YOU got?”

    “Three cents.”

    “Give it to me. I’m gonna see what’s happening in there.”

    “OK. Here.”

    The kid takes the 3 cents, walks up to the door and knocks.

    Voice from inside—“Where are you? I can’t see you.”

    “Down here.”

    Door opens a crack, “Oh, there you are. What do YOU want, kid?”

    “You know what I want.”

    “Oh yeah? How much money you got?”

    “Ten cents.”

    A chuckle from inside. “Come on in.” Door closes behind him. “Gimme your 10 cents. Now go in that room and take your pants down.” The kid complies. In a moment, a big bruiser with a big paddle comes in and give the kid a sound thrashing on his behind. Kicks him out the back door into the alley. He goes running, crying, back to his friend on the curb.

    Seeing his friend’s disheveled appearance, 1st kid says, “What happened to YOU?”

    “Dunno, but if that’s what you get for 10 cents, I don’t know how ANYBODY could stand 10 dollars worth!”

  25. #105
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    You should never lie, cheat, steal or scam people. The Government doesn't like competition.
    Wayne

  26. #106
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    An Italian Mother




    Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

    About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

    Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'


    So he sat down and wrote an email:

    Dear Mama,
    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
    Love, Anthony

    Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
    ____

    Dear Son,
    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her “OWN Bed”, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Love, Mama

    Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . .
    John Brayton

  27. #107
    Speedster Member jcluvsu's Avatar
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    Comments made in the year 1955!
    (That's 55 years ago!)


    'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
    they are, it's going to be impossible
    To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.


    'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
    It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
    used one.

    'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
    I'm going to quit.
    A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

    'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
    charging a dime just to mail a letter?

    'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
    Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '

    'When I first started driving,
    Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
    Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

    'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
    Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
    DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
    It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

    'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
    it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
    end of the century.
    They even have some fellows they call astronauts
    preparing for it down in Texas .

    'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
    contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
    It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
    making more than the President.

    'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
    appliances would be electric.
    They are even making electric typewriters now.

    'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
    I see where a few married women are having to work
    to make ends meet.

    'It won't be long before young couples are going to
    have to hire someone
    To watch their kids so they can both work.

    'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
    door to a whole lot of foreign business.

    'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
    Government takes half our income in taxes.
    I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
    people to congress.

    'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
    But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

    'There is no sense going to Lincoln
    or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
    It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

    'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
    At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for
    my blood.'

    'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
    Last edited by jcluvsu; 01-10-2011 at 07:23 AM. Reason: added picture for effect
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

    Edmund Burke

    PS. 133

    1962 Gran Turismo Hawk

  28. #108
    President Member railway's Avatar
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    Did Jeff go fishing?

    Pet Fish"

    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

    'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

    'Pet fish?'

    'Yeah.. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.’

    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

    'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

    'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

    'Call who back?'

    'The FISH,' replied the warden!

    'What fish?,' replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
    Ebon...


    Hope to see you in South Bend

  29. #109
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    I just got off the phone with friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.


    He is worried about his wife, she has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare........................................................................... ..........



    He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  30. #110
    President Member TX Rebel's Avatar
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    joke

    While taking a walk an old codger remarks to his friend "Sure is windy."
    the friend says "No, it's Thursday."
    the first guy replies "I'm thirsty too, let get a beer!"
    Barry'd in Studes

  31. #111
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    You scientific types will especially appreciate this one:
    This is pretty heavy scientific stuff......converting units:

    1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
    2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
    3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
    4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
    5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
    6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
    7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
    8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
    9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
    10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
    11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
    12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
    14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
    15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
    16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
    17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
    18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
    19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
    20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
    22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
    23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

    24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
    25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
    26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
    27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

  32. #112
    President Member PlainBrownR2's Avatar
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    you scientific types will especially appreciate this one:
    this is pretty heavy scientific stuff......converting units:

    1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = eskimo pi
    2. 2000 pounds of chinese soup = won ton
    3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
    4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
    5. Weight an evangelist carries with god = 1 billigram
    6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong
    7. 16.5 feet in thetwilight zone = 1 rod serling
    8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
    9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
    10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
    11. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
    12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
    14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
    15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
    16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
    17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
    18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fignewton
    19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
    20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
    22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
    23. 100 rations = 1 c-ration

    24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
    25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
    26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at yale university hospital = 1 iv league
    27. 100 senators = not 1 decision


    Lol!!I can also make note of plotting a logarithmic curve on #27.
    (For anybody who is keeping score, this curve can be used on measuring quantities, well almost all of them, where the quantity never disappears if it's consistently cut in half. The quantity does not technically go away, it just appears to go away. Rather the quantity just gets smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller........)
    1964 Studebaker Commander R2 clone
    1963 Studebaker Daytona Hardtop with no engine or transmission
    1950 Studebaker 2R5 w/170 six cylinder and 3spd OD
    1955 Studebaker Commander Hardtop w/289 and 3spd OD and Megasquirt port fuel injection(among other things)

  33. #113
    Champion Member
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    Feb 2011
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    Tucson Arizona
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    11

    Just Funny

    Ok, so there's a British guy, an Irish guy, and a French guy, walking down the beach. They come across a lamp, so they rub it, and a genie comes out, and says they get three wishes. The French guy goes first, he says, "I wish I was back in my country and we had the strongest army in the World, so we will not be ridiculed anymore! So, poof! The Frenchie is back in France with his army. Then the British guy says, "Alright, I want a wall that goes all the way around England, so that our enemies cannot attack us." So, Poof! The Brit is in England, inside the wall. So then the Irish guy says, "So tell me more about this wall." The Genie says, "It's 11 feet tall, 8 feet wide, and nothing can get in or out." The Irish guy goes "Sweet. Fill it with water"

  34. #114
    Silver Hawk Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Castro Valley, CA, USA.
    Posts
    6,092
    A duck walks into a bar wearing a hard hat and a tool belt and hops up on a bar stool and tells the bar tender to give him a sandwich and a beer, he do and then asks the duck what with the hard hat and tool belt? duck answers I am a dry Waller and walks out, this happens all week the same thing, on Sat. a guy from a circus comes in ask the bar tender if he knew any one with a good act that wanted a job, he say ya I think I do give me your card and I will tell him to call you, on Monday the Duck comes in after work gets his sandwich and beer and while eating and drinking the bar keep say this guy from the circus left his card and you might be interested in working for him, the duck looks at the card and then at the bar keep and says what in hell would the circus want with a dry waller????
    Candbstudebakers
    Castro Valley,
    California




  35. #115
    Golden Hawk Member BobPalma's Avatar
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    Mar 2005
    Location
    Brownsburg, IN, USA.(NW suburban Indianapolis)
    Posts
    21,630
    OK, I searched for the word mistress and this joke didn't come up, so here goes.
    'Probably one of the funniest I've ever heard:


    An older man and his wife were having dinner in a fancy restaurant.

    A scantily-clad sweet young thing comes up, wraps her arms around him, gives him a big, sloppy kiss, winks, and says, "I'll see you later, honey," and leaves.

    'Man's wife erupts in a fit of rage, "who was that?"

    Hubby replies, "That's my mistress."

    Wife retorts, "Well! That's the last straw; that does it! I want a divorce."

    Hubby: "Well, I can certainly understand your feelings. But remember, if we get a divorce, there will be no more winters in Jamaica, no more shopping trips to Paris, no more spring vacations in Cancun, and no more Jaguars in the garage. I'll respect your wishes, though, and abide by whatever you want to do."

    Before wife could answer, a mutual elderly friend walks in with a gorgeous tart on his arm as well, obviously not his wife.

    Man's wife inquires, "Who is that that just came in with John?"

    Man replies, "Oh, that's his mistress."

    Wife replies, "I think ours is prettier."

  36. #116
    President Member
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    Feb 2008
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    Niantic, CT USA
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    2,263
    A man thinks he is a dog, so he goes to a psychiatrist. "It's terrible!" says the man. "I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go by a lamppost anymore."

    "Okay, " says the psychiatrist, "Get on the couch."

    The man replies, "I am not allowed on the furniture!"

  37. #117
    President Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Riverside, Iowa, USA.
    Posts
    1,719
    Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders



    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

    I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

    Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears...

    How much do you charge?

    Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

    I'll sleep on it, I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? he asked.

    Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new STUDEBAKER!



    Is that so! With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

    He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

    FORGET THE SHRINKS..
    HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

    Tom

  38. #118
    President Member
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    Riverside, Iowa, USA.
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    My Favorite Animal

    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...........

    Tom

  39. #119
    President Member aarrggh's Avatar
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    Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
    Posts
    2,324
    Dear Abby ,
    Last week i left home for work but after a mile my car broke down . I walked back home to find my wife in bed with our 19 year old babysitter .My wife and the babysitter told me the affair had been going on for two years and that they were deeply in love . Can you help me ? ( desperate ) .

    Dear Desperate ,
    The most common cause of vehicles breaking down within the first mile is dirt in the fuel line . If this is not the cause , it may be the alternater .
    Hope this helps , Abby .

  40. #120
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    Posts
    17,192
    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
    when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
    Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
    dog was allowed on the plane.
    The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
    Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
    'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we
    get airborne, when I put him to work.'
    The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said,
    'Watch this.'
    He told Sniffer to 'search'.
    Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
    purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
    Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on
    the policeman's arm.
    The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
    woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
    and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
    'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
    The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned
    to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
    The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so
    again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
    'I like it!' said his seat mate.
    The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
    moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
    middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
    The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure
    out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he
    asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
    The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb!'

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