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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #681
    President Member Jerry Forrester's Avatar
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    This may have been posted before, but I'm not going to go back through 17 to look for it.

    I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.



    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."



    "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

    "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

    - But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
    Jerry Forrester
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    Douglasville, Georgia

    See all of Buttercup's pictures at https://imgur.com/a/tBjGzTk


  2. #682
    President Member Jerry Forrester's Avatar
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    Same disclaimer as my previous post.

    A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi and laid on the back seat
    The cab driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
    He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
    "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
    The cab driver answered, "Let me tell you something, lady. I wasn't staring at you like you think; that would not be proper.” The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
    He paused a moment, then told her, "Well...... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?"



    Now, that's a businessman!
    Jerry Forrester
    Forrester's Chrome
    Douglasville, Georgia

    See all of Buttercup's pictures at https://imgur.com/a/tBjGzTk


  3. #683
    Silver Hawk Member Bob Andrews's Avatar
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    A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

    ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

    ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

    Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

    ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

  4. #684
    President Member Jerry Forrester's Avatar
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    A woman receives a invite to a birthday party.
    She responds, "You crazy loon, I'm not coming to your dog's birthday party! I have plans this weekend, my cat is getting married".
    Jerry Forrester
    Forrester's Chrome
    Douglasville, Georgia

    See all of Buttercup's pictures at https://imgur.com/a/tBjGzTk


  5. #685
    Chief Cat Herder showbizkid's Avatar
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    Guys, I have told you before: NO POLITICAL POSTS. This includes jokes.
    One more political joke and this thread will be locked. And everyone will be pissed at YOU for spoiling it.

    I mean it. Really.
    Clark in San Diego
    '63 Standard (F2) "Barney"
    http://studeblogger.blogspot.com

  6. #686
    Chief Cat Herder showbizkid's Avatar
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    AND the poster gets kicked for a month.
    Clark in San Diego
    '63 Standard (F2) "Barney"
    http://studeblogger.blogspot.com

  7. #687
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    OK Clark, how about this? (thanks for all your work).

    Alabama
    A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

    "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

    "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

    "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"



    Georgia

    The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

    He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."



    Mississippi

    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

    The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



    North Carolina

    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

    The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

    The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

    The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.."



    Louisiana

    A Louisiana State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-10. Walking up to the driver's window,

    the trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

    The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



    Tennessee

    The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

    "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

    ***



    Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.














































































  8. #688
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    A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
    had reached the final plateau.


    If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
    $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
    milestone money.



    And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar
    question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds
    does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
    birds?



    Is it:


    A) the condor


    B) the buzzard


    C) the cuckoo


    D) the vulture


    The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She
    had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that
    remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use
    it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no
    alternative.



    She called her friend and gave her the question and the
    four choices.


    The blonde responded unhesitatingly:


    'That's easy. The answer is C: the
    cuckoo.'


    The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
    considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except
    the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde
    that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded
    with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but
    be convinced.



    'I need an answer,' said Meredith.


    Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The
    cuckoo.'


    'Is that your final answer?'

    'Yes, that is my final answer.'


    And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely
    correct!


    You are now a millionaire!'

    Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her
    family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
    dollars. 'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
    'How did you happen to know the right answer?'



    'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that
    cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'


    Sally fainted...........................













































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  9. #689
    Chief Cat Herder showbizkid's Avatar
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    Thanks man - I had a grin
    Clark in San Diego
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  10. #690
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    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”


    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”


    “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”


    “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.


    The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”


    She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”


    FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN

  11. #691
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    Meanwhile in Georgia...

    A sheriff's dispatcher in Georgia got a call from a panicky citizen...

    “This is Cletus Jones. I was taking my buddy hunting and we got in a terrible wreck on Highway 41 just north of town. I think my buddy is dead.”

    The dispatcher said “Okay, don’t panic. First thing is you need to make sure your buddy is really dead.”

    Cletus said “okay” and a few seconds later the dispatcher heard a gun shot. Cletus came back on the line and said “I made sure.”

  12. #692
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  13. #693
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  14. #694
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    A preacher went to his
    church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule
    (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the
    police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the
    police referred the preacher to the health
    department. They said since there was
    no health threat that he should call the sanitation
    department. The sanitation manager
    said he could not pick up the mule without authorization
    from the mayor.
    Now, the preacher knew the
    mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad
    temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher
    called him anyway. The mayor did not
    disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the
    pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway?
    Isn't it your job to bury the
    dead?" The preacher asked
    the Lord to direct his response. He said: "Yes,
    Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to
    notify the next of kin
    first!"


  15. #695
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    A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
    One is an old fart in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
    Who wants to try first?"
    The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
    About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
    The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old fart and asks, "Can you top that?"
    The tough old hockey player replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

  16. #696
    Silver Hawk Member Studedude's Avatar
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    Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be “that age”?

    I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

    When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

    Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

    The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

    I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    Ah! Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

    May you always have: love to share, cash to spare, and friends who care.

    Dave Lester

  17. #697
    Chief Cat Herder showbizkid's Avatar
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    Good ones Dave!
    Clark in San Diego
    '63 Standard (F2) "Barney"
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  18. #698
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    Subject: the cab driver and the nun


    A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
    She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
    She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
    “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
    “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
    The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
    “OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
    The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
    But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
    “My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
    “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
    The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”

  19. #699
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    A sailor wanders into a bar and sits on a stool next to a pirate with the usual. The sailor takes a few drinks and works up the courage to ask the pirate about his leg. The pirate looks off into the distance to recall that fateful night. "We were sailin' around the Cape, when a rogue wave hit me ship and tossed me overboard" He continued. "When me mates were haulin' me back aboard, a shark took me leg!" The young sailor, sorry he asked, went back to drinking. With more courage poured into him, he asked another question. "Me hand? We were in Morocco and I stole from a merchant. I was caught and they cut off the hand that stole from him!" Again, the sailor was sorry he asked. But drinking gave him the nerve to ask again. "Me eye? I lost that to bird ****!" Astonished, the sailor's face projected and was answered. "Well, it was the first day with me hook!"

  20. #700
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    IRISH HUMOUR
    There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.

    …………………………………….


    “O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”
    And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.
    ……………………………….


    Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “I’m pregnant” she cries.
    “And how do you know it’s yours?” shouts her father
    …………………………………


    PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname?”
    SHAUN: “Mick who?”
    …………………………………..


    *PADDY: “If you can guess how many Pheasants I’ve got in me bag you can have both of them”.*
    *SHAUN: Three.*
    ………………………………….


    Mrs Murphy said: I don’t tink me husband has been faithful to me”.
    “Why’s that?” said Mrs O’Toole.
    “Me last child don’t look anything like him”.
    ……………………………………


    Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”
    ……………………………………


    Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their conjugal relations to arrive.
    ……………………………………


    Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.
    “It’s me weather guide” said Murphy, “If it’s swinging back and forth, it’s windy and if it’s wet, its been raining.
    …………………………………….


    Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.
    ……………………………………


    Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat. “You’re not blind” she said. “No I’m not” said Paddy, “Its Murphy whose blind, I’m just filling in for him while he’s gone to the pictures”.
    ……………………………………


    “We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
    “Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
    “That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied.
    …………………………………….


    Father O’Flaherty asked Mrs O’Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. “That’s a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? He asked. “I’m not Father”, she replied. “I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese”.
    ………………………………….


    The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.
    …………………………………..


    “Mrs O’Leary” said the Doctor, “Do you smoke after intercourse?”
    “I've never looked”, she replied.


  21. #701
    President Member christophe's Avatar
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    A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    ‘Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.’

    The lady can’t take this any more.

    ‘You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,’ she retorted indignantly. ‘In this country. we don’t speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

    ‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘.’

  22. #702
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

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