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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #641
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
    She hears a voice over the radio saying:
    "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I’m in the front seat."
    "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven . . . .."

  2. #642
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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  3. #643
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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  4. #644
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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  5. #645
    President Member Studedude's Avatar
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    Do ya know why God created Adam before Eve?


    He didn't want to be told how to do it!

    Dave Lester

  6. #646
    President Member Studedude's Avatar
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    'Told my wife the other day I have decided I want to be cremated.

    She has it scheduled for next Tuesday.

    Dave Lester

  7. #647
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    Quote Originally Posted by Studedude View Post
    'Told my wife the other day I have decided I want to be cremated.

    She has it scheduled for next Tuesday.
    I clued my kids in on my similar desire. Funny, same action on their part too...

  8. #648
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
    He seemed surprised that I picked up a stranger and asked
    "Thanks but why did you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

    I told him that I knew I was safe because the chances of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time would be astronomical !
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff




    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  9. #649
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  10. #650
    Golden Hawk Member BobPalma's Avatar
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    Two ladies arrive in heaven and the following conversation takes place:

    1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
    2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.
    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. So, what about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!
    We've got to quit saying, "How stupid can you be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

    Ayn Rand:
    "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality."

    G. K. Chesterton: This triangle of truisms, of father, mother, and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.

  11. #651
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted
    after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she
    pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to
    write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks
    at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
    “Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!”
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff




    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  12. #652
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    12 Italian Priests

    Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to lineup in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,big breasted, nude model danced before them.

    Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

    The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

    As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.

    ----




  13. #653
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    1) The first applicant of the day explains to St. Peter that his last day was not a


    good one.


    "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed

    she had just gotten out of the shower.
    Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was

    completely dry too.
    I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her

    lover.



    I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy

    clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

    I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower

    pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

    On seeing he was still alive I found superhuman strength to drag

    our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and
    killed him.



    At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart

    attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.


    2) The second applicant said that his last day was his worst...


    "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment,
    and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
    I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot
    came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.


    I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I

    looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way,
    but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest."

    Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to

    the waiting room.

    3) Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day

    enters.


    He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as

    interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

    I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in

    this cedar chest…






  14. #654
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    I was planning a trip to Australia. Was asked if I had a criminal record. I responded that I didn't realize it was still a requirement.

  15. #655
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

    I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

    I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff




    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

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