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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #561
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Lititz,PA , USA.
    Does this sound familiar to anyone?

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye and they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there’s a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

  2. #562
    President Member
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    Jan 2014
    marana, Arizona
    Well written...but don't you think you should have asked before you decided to write about me?

  3. #563
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Woodinville, WA
    A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!
    I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband
    Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  4. #564
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    Conversation between a man and his financial planner.
    Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

    Woman: Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes

    Woman: How many beers a day?
    Man: Usually about three

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
    Man $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
    Man: About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
    Man: Correct

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
    Man: Correct

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.
    Man: Where is your airplane?
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  5. #565
    President Member
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    Feb 2008
    Niotre Dame, IN USA
    Lady golfer's secret!

    A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. All of a
    sudden one is transferred to another city and they were lost without him.

    A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their
    golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty
    good. Mind if I join you next week?"

    No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says,
    "Okay, but we start at 6:30 AM." He figures the early tee-time will
    discourage her.

    The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15
    minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "OK."

    She's there at 6:30 AM sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening
    2-under-par round.

    She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her
    and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at
    6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays

    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par
    round, despite playing with her off-hand.

    They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and
    a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a
    burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week
    she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
    However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they
    can't hold a grudge.

    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers
    in the clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide
    if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned
    I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I
    got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the

    From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the
    morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his johnson points
    to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf

    The guys think this is hysterical.

    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's
    pointing straight up?"

    She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

  6. #566
    President Member
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    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year.
    Such songs as "Hello Walls", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline
    "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favourites.
    He is also a well-recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

    Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly
    the words of a deep thinker.

    So simple, yet so profound!
    Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher,
    Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer,
    on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait.
    Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise
    and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

    [Willie Nelson]

    "I've outlived my dick."
    A Poem - by Willie Nelson

    My nookie days are over,
    My pilot light is out.
    What used to be my pride and joy,
    Is now my water spout.
    Time was when, on its own accord,
    From my trousers it would spring.
    But now I've got a full time job,
    To find the friggin thing.
    It used to be embarrassing,
    The way it would behave.
    For every single morning,
    It would stand and watch me shave.
    Now as old age approaches,
    It sure gives me the blues.
    To see it hang its little head,
    And watch me tie my shoes!!

    Attachments area

  7. #567
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take the time off.

    I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

    So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

    My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

    I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

    I told him I was a light bulb.

    He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

    I jumped down and walked out of the office...

    When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '
    ..And where do you think you're going?!'

    She said, 'I'm going home, too.
    I can't work in the dark.
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  8. #568
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride
    and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly
    turned to chaos.
    The bride slapped the groom.
    The groom's mother fainted.
    The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
    The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
    The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  9. #569
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts” or with “Balls”.

    Do they however, know the difference between them?

    Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323;

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

    BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

    I trust this clears up any confusion.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

  10. #570
    President Member 55s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Caledon East, ON, Canada.
    Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

    As you study for exams, remember its not the quantity it's the quantity. And remember there is no substitute for pure unadulterated bull

    Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
    "First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
    Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

    1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
    2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
    The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

  11. #571
    President Member 55s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Caledon East, ON, Canada.
    The following questions were in last year's GED (grade 12equivalent) examination-- (These are genuine answers).

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reachespuberty,
    he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

    Q. What happens to your body as you age?
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow.
    (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g Theabdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and theabdominal cavity.
    The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and theabdominal
    cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    (That would work.)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A. When you are sick at the airport.

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


  12. #572
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Woodinville, WA
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  13. #573
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    How I Nearly Became A Doctor:

    When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

    One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

    Those who answered spine are doctors today.

    The rest of us are just posting jokes on forums.

  14. #574
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Pine Grove Mills, Pa, USA.
    An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
    The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
    He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.`
    As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
    The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything.
    The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
    Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
    This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`
    As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`
    The old woman answers... `THE TEETH.`

  15. #575
    President Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Charleston, SC, .
    Ten year old Johnny answered the door holding a glass of scotch & smoking a cigar.
    The salesman asked "Is your mother home?"
    Johnny flicked his ash on the floor & said "What the hell you think?"

  16. #576
    President Member
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    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona

  17. #577
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    This Mommy was a Marine

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

    She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

    "Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

  18. #578
    President Member 55s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Caledon East, ON, Canada.
    A new young monk joins the monastery. He finds it is a lonely life because the othermonks seldom talk about life and issues. In addition, they have to remain chaste and contact with women is discouraged.

    He is a little surprised to find that they are still copying all of the original texts over and over as they have for hundreds of years. The originals are kept in a vault downstairs for safekeeping, and they copy new texts from the previous copy. They are not using the latest word processing software including spell check.

    The new monk decides he has to talk to the head monk: What if there are grammatical errors and spelling errors that have been carried forward for centuries? Enquiring minds want to know.

    The head monk thinks is a reasonable request, and agrees to go into the vaults and check out the current version with the original texts. It is a very time-consuming and laborious job.

    A few days later, he emerges from the vault. He is obviously distraught.

    “D_ _ N!” he exclaims. “It is CELEBRATE with an “R”!!!!"" (and an “E” instead of an “I”!!!!”)

    Extra points if you substituted “AR” and not “AM” in the _ _above.

    By the way, what do you call a monk who sells French fries?
    Either a Chip Monk or a French Friar.

  19. #579
    Commander Member Sagandaga's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Greenfield Center NY
    This a true story, really.
    I have a friend that works for the same company that I do. Woody tends to over imbibe in hops based fluids. He is in his early 40's. I think he has some cognitive impairment from the overuse of amber liquid. He rides to work with me when our schedules coincide.
    From time to time he will call me, to see if I can pick him up the following week. He tends to start conversations with out a lead in or context and mumbles ( kinda like Boomhower). One day he called my house, the land line. My wife answered, and Woody asked if I was there? My wife said "no, I was up at camp". Woody was silent for a few moments and said to my wife "where are you?". Brain cells are a terrible thing to waste.

  20. #580
    President Member
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    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    Subject: Fwd: SENIOR'S JOKE OF THE WEEK !!

    An important lesson in strategic planning
    A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket an d a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
    She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
    'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?
    The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

  21. #581
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    Why Some Parents Turn To Drink

    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
    had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number
    and was greeted with a child's whisper.


    "Is your daddy home?"

    Small voice whispered, "Yes, he's out in the garden,"

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    So the boss asked, "Well, is your Mommy there?"

    "Yes, she's out in the garden too."

    The boss asked; "May I talk with her?"

    Again the ‘No.’

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
    asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
    asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, He's busy," whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men."

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background,
    the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "It's a helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    "The search team just landed a helicopter."

    "A search team?" said the boss "What are they searching for?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..

    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  22. #582
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, "What's your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

    "Dear Sir,

    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make itwith my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your advice..


    Dick van Dyke

  23. #583
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Woodinville, WA
    Mechanic vs. Heart Surgeon

    A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
    LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The
    cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
    take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
    "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
    The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
    was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
    and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the
    valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put
    everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So
    how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when
    you and I are doing basically the same work?” The cardiologist paused,
    leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the
    engine running
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  24. #584
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source

    of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through
    the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly,
    he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that
    he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or
    two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie .
    BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic
    Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and

    Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three

    "I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
    Jewish genie!"

    "Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a
    gonner anyvay!"

    The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
    right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and

    ** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

    The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and
    he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

    The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
    old coins and precious gems.

    "Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good

    After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
    where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !"

    ** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *

    He was turned into a tampon.


    If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to
    be a string attached.

  25. #585
    President Member Studedude's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Perkins, OK, USA.

    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
    9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

    "Yes, coach", replied the little boy.

    "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
    lose together, as a team?"

    The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

    "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an
    out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

    Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

    The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game
    so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

    "No, coach."

    "Good", said the coach, "Now, go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
    Last edited by Studedude; 07-29-2017 at 09:19 PM.

    Dave Lester

  26. #586
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. “His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,"One”. The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son. “The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65”. The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sellhim? “The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Th<>en he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him downto the automotive department and sold him that 4x4Expedition.”The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

  27. #587
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    A woman meets a man in a bar.
    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
    And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
    But doesn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
    They continue to kiss, the passion builds. And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that sheresponds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

    And says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  28. #588
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    My wife and I were watching

    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

    while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered.

    I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ______________________________ __

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    ______________________________ _

    My wife and I were sitting at a

    table at her high school reunion,

    and she kept staring at a drunken man

    swigging his drink as he sat alone

    at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

    and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started..

    ______________________________ __

    When our lawn mower broke

    and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

    to me that I should get it fixed.

    But, somehow I always had something

    else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

    making beer. Always something more

    important to me. Finally she thought

    of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away

    with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,

    "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


    My wife sat down next to me as

    I was flipping channels

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started..

    ______________________________ __

    My wife was hinting about what she

    wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started.....

    I rear-ended a car this morning

    ...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

  29. #589
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
    The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
    "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
    I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
    I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
    I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
    I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
    At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

    Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

    "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".

  30. #590
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    A young boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and realistically'?

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

    Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!

    The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

    The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

    His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

    The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

    "But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer."

  31. #591
    President Member Studedude's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Perkins, OK, USA.
    The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the
    men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

    The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

    The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions.

    He took the gun, and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

    She took the gun, and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then, they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

    "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

    Dave Lester

  32. #592
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there
    is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you.
    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
    No response..

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Still no response..

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Again no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    "Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it's chicken"
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  33. #593
    President Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Charleston, SC, .
    If athletes get athlethe's feet, what do astronauts get?

  34. #594
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    May be a repeat but couldn't find it.

    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 - No Report.


  35. #595
    President Member christophe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Nancy,Lorraine , France.
    As a friend used to say: "Pepper is like the turnpike, you always pay the toll at the exit!".

  36. #596
    Silver Hawk Member 53k's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Martinsburg, West Virginia, USA.
    WAY funny. I sent this to a friend who is the local chili cookoff king.

    Paul Johnson, Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.
    '64 Daytona Wagonaire, '64 Avanti R-1, Museum R-4 engine, '72 Gravely Model 430 with Onan engine

  37. #597
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Starke, FL
    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call several times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!!"


  38. #598
    Speedster Member 56GH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Sarasota, FL
    Surprise, Surprise!

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

    "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard again:

    "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you.”

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.

    "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
    Bill L.
    1962 GT Hawk

  39. #599
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Los Angeles
    Quote Originally Posted by Johnnywiffer View Post
    Not new but.....Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

    A horse walks into a bar. Since its not a domesticated animal, the horse breaks some furniture, defecates in the middle of the bar, and promptly leaves.

  40. #600
    President Member r1lark's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Winston-Salem, NC, USA.
    Blog Entries
    Quote Originally Posted by creegster View Post
    A horse walks into a bar. Since its not a domesticated animal, the horse breaks some furniture, defecates in the middle of the bar, and promptly leaves.
    OK, sometimes I'm pretty dense. I don't get this joke at all.
    Winston-Salem, NC
    Visit The Studebaker Skytop Registry website at:

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