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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #601
    President Member Noxnabaker's Avatar
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    Sep 2015
    Slow as I am I agree with Paul...

  2. #602
    Commander Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Salem Oregon
    If anybody is still reading,

    An elderly man is about to have hip replacement surgery. He is wheeled into his room while awaiting the surgery and notices the nurses are hurrying around. The surgeon comes in and tells the man everything will be fine and that he, the surgeon, will greet his patient when he wakes up.
    A little later the elderly man is coming out of anesthesia and his surgeon is there talking to him. It went great, says the surgeon. The man awake now but is having trouble hearing the surgeon. Doc, I can't hear anything out of my left ear. Surgeon reaches over and pulls a suppository out the man's ear. The elderly man takes a look and says, At least I know where my hearing aid is.

  3. #603
    President Member christophe's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
    Nancy,Lorraine , France.
    Quote Originally Posted by Noxnabaker View Post
    Slow as I am I agree with Paul...
    I agree with you but it was nice to see again a post of the late Johnny Wipff. I liked his blue postings.
    Nice day to all.

  4. #604
    President Member Studedude's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Perkins, OK, USA.
    Good Neighbor!

    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
    The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
    I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
    Regards, Alan.
    Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.
    He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
    He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:
    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
    Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife." That's today's technology for you, hey!
    Regards, Alan

    Dave Lester

  5. #605
    Silver Hawk Member 53k's Avatar
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    Oct 2004
    Martinsburg, West Virginia, USA.
    An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

    At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

    Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

    God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

    God said, "Yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;

    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

    God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."*

    Can I hear an AMEN?

    Paul Johnson, Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.
    '64 Daytona Wagonaire, '64 Avanti R-1, Museum R-4 engine, '72 Gravely Model 430 with Onan engine

  6. #606
    Speedster Member Stude Shoo-wop!'s Avatar
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    Dec 2017
    West Palm Beach, FL
    Blog Entries
    Quote Originally Posted by 53k View Post

    Can I hear an AMEN?
    So far as I'm concerned, you got enough amens to fill up an black choir in the Deep South! AND THEN SOME MORE FROM THE DEEP-THROATED PREACHER!
    Jake Kaywell: Shoo-wops and doo-wops galore to the background of some fine Studes. I'm eager and ready to go!

    1962 GT Hawk - completely finished in driveable condition.

  7. #607
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    Subject: Fw: Old Friends

    One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived. So, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry. But one day, Bob approached the park and - lo and behold - there sat Larry ! Bob was very excited and happy to see him - and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you ?

    Larry replied, “I have been in jail.

    Jail !” cried Bob, “What in the world for ?

    Well,” Larry said, “You know Jane - that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go ?

    Yeah,” said Bob, “I remember her.. What about her ?

    Well, one day she filed rape charges against me ! And, me being 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'GUILTY'. Then, the durned judge gave me 30 days for perjury !!

  8. #608
    President Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    marana, Arizona
    A lion pulled down a bull and ate it. Proudly he started to roar. A nearby hunter shot the lion. The moral of the story? When you're full of bull keep your mouth shut!

  9. #609
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    A man and his wife moved back home to Missouri from New York.

    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in New York was
    $2,000.00 a year!!!

    When they arrived in Missouri, they went to Stanley's Insurance
    Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
    Stanley looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in
    Missouri to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in New York !!!

    Stanley turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well,
    here is it on the screen, direct from Rolla Fire Insurance Company,
    it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)


    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  10. #610
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Woodinville, WA

    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he
    could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing
    for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80..00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I
    was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your
    Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  11. #611
    President Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Charleston, SC, .
    The town doofus was about to have his first "encounter" with the local trolop. He nervously undressed and she said "let's go to town". He left!

  12. #612
    President Member Studedude's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Perkins, OK, USA.

    You pick up a hitchhiker...
    A young, sexy, beautiful girl.
    Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and
    you take her to the hospital.

    Now that's stressful.

    But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and
    congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
    You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
    This is getting very stressful!

    You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

    After the tests are completed,
    The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
    And probably have been since birth.
    You're extremely stressed but relieved.

    On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home...

    Now, that's stress!!

    Dave Lester

  13. #613
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Starke, FL
    Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”
    The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”
    Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
    The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
    The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
    The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
    The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”
    The passenger says, “Huh?”
    The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that **** with me.”

  14. #614
    Champion Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

    The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

  15. #615
    President Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Pasadena, Ca
    So, this guy has a pet duck. It's up in its years and has not been eating like normal so the guy takes it to the vet.

    The vet looks the duck over and says, "As domesticated ducks age, their upper bill grows over the lower bill, making it hard for them to pick up their food. You need to gently file that excess away. Just be careful, the nostrils are very close. File too much away and the duck will drown when drinking water. We offer this service for cheap or you can do it yourself.".

    The guy thanked the vet for his diagnosis but passed on the treatment, being a CASO, he would do the work himself.

    A couple of weeks later the vet runs into the guy on the street and asks, "How's your duck?".

    The guys sighs and says that the duck died.

    The vet, indignant, gave the guy grief for filing the duck's bill to aggressively, saying, "He drowned, didn't he?".

    To that the guy replied, "Hah, he was already dead by the time I took him out of the vise!".

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