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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #601
    President Member Noxnabaker's Avatar
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    Slow as I am I agree with Paul...


    Josephine
    -55
    Champion V8
    4d sedan

  2. #602
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    If anybody is still reading,


    An elderly man is about to have hip replacement surgery. He is wheeled into his room while awaiting the surgery and notices the nurses are hurrying around. The surgeon comes in and tells the man everything will be fine and that he, the surgeon, will greet his patient when he wakes up.
    A little later the elderly man is coming out of anesthesia and his surgeon is there talking to him. It went great, says the surgeon. The man awake now but is having trouble hearing the surgeon. Doc, I can't hear anything out of my left ear. Surgeon reaches over and pulls a suppository out the man's ear. The elderly man takes a look and says, At least I know where my hearing aid is.

  3. #603
    President Member christophe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noxnabaker View Post
    Slow as I am I agree with Paul...
    I agree with you but it was nice to see again a post of the late Johnny Wipff. I liked his blue postings.
    Nice day to all.

  4. #604
    Silver Hawk Member Studedude's Avatar
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    Good Neighbor!

    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
    The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
    I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
    Regards, Alan.
    Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.
    He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
    He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:
    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
    Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife." That's today's technology for you, hey!
    Regards, Alan

    Dave Lester

  5. #605
    Silver Hawk Member 53k's Avatar
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    An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

    At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

    Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

    God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

    God said, "Yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;

    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

    God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."*




    Can I hear an AMEN?

    Paul Johnson, Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.
    '64 Daytona Wagonaire, '64 Avanti R-1, Museum R-4 engine, '72 Gravely Model 430 with Onan engine

  6. #606
    Speedster Member Stude Shoo-wop!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 53k View Post

    Can I hear an AMEN?
    So far as I'm concerned, you got enough amens to fill up an black choir in the Deep South! AND THEN SOME MORE FROM THE DEEP-THROATED PREACHER!
    Jake Kaywell: Shoo-wops and doo-wops galore to the background of some fine Studes. I'm eager and ready to go!

    1962 GT Hawk - completely finished in driveable condition.

  7. #607
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    Subject: Fw: Old Friends




    One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived. So, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.



    A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry. But one day, Bob approached the park and - lo and behold - there sat Larry ! Bob was very excited and happy to see him - and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you ?



    Larry replied, “I have been in jail.



    Jail !” cried Bob, “What in the world for ?



    Well,” Larry said, “You know Jane - that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go ?



    Yeah,” said Bob, “I remember her.. What about her ?



    Well, one day she filed rape charges against me ! And, me being 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'GUILTY'. Then, the durned judge gave me 30 days for perjury !!

































  8. #608
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    A lion pulled down a bull and ate it. Proudly he started to roar. A nearby hunter shot the lion. The moral of the story? When you're full of bull keep your mouth shut!

  9. #609
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    A man and his wife moved back home to Missouri from New York.

    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in New York was
    $2,000.00 a year!!!

    When they arrived in Missouri, they went to Stanley's Insurance
    Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
    Stanley looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in
    Missouri to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in New York !!!

    Stanley turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well,
    here is it on the screen, direct from Rolla Fire Insurance Company,
    it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff




    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  10. #610
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    THE PROPER WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD

    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he
    could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing
    for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80..00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I
    was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your
    Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  11. #611
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    The town doofus was about to have his first "encounter" with the local trolop. He nervously undressed and she said "let's go to town". He left!

  12. #612
    Silver Hawk Member Studedude's Avatar
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    Stress!



    You pick up a hitchhiker...
    A young, sexy, beautiful girl.
    Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and
    you take her to the hospital.

    Now that's stressful.



    But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and
    congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
    You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
    This is getting very stressful!



    You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.


    After the tests are completed,
    The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
    And probably have been since birth.
    You're extremely stressed but relieved.




    On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home...

    Now, that's stress!!

    Dave Lester

  13. #613
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”
    The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”
    Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
    The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
    The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
    The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
    The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”
    The passenger says, “Huh?”
    The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that **** with me.”

  14. #614
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    A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”


    The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

  15. #615
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    So, this guy has a pet duck. It's up in its years and has not been eating like normal so the guy takes it to the vet.

    The vet looks the duck over and says, "As domesticated ducks age, their upper bill grows over the lower bill, making it hard for them to pick up their food. You need to gently file that excess away. Just be careful, the nostrils are very close. File too much away and the duck will drown when drinking water. We offer this service for cheap or you can do it yourself.".

    The guy thanked the vet for his diagnosis but passed on the treatment, being a CASO, he would do the work himself.

    A couple of weeks later the vet runs into the guy on the street and asks, "How's your duck?".

    The guys sighs and says that the duck died.

    The vet, indignant, gave the guy grief for filing the duck's bill to aggressively, saying, "He drowned, didn't he?".

    To that the guy replied, "Hah, he was already dead by the time I took him out of the vise!".

  16. #616
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    Betty and I retired to South Ga.. Met lots of unique folks, among them our best friend Louie.. His father in law kept a jar of shine buried down in the cool branch behind the house.. Louie & FnL went down there to have a drink.. After a few sips decided to go to Savannah(85 miles) to see FnL's brother but he first had to put on his brand new suit.. Louie had just bought a new Hawk and this was their "show time"..

    After a while in Savannah it was getting on towards dark and they had topped off with a few beer's.. Out at the edge of Savannah, FnL had a nature call and told Louie to stop at an abandoned gas station so he could go around back.. Louie patiently waited, FnL did not return and he went looking.. While he was looking, two sheriff's deputies pulled up to check things out.. They found him in the bottom of the nastiest, greasiest, grease pit full of water.. Finally took all three to get him out along with all the laughing and giggling.. The deputies told them to just please "go home".. Louie tells FnL he could not ride in his new Studebaker.. At this point the laughing deputies went and got him a big pair of pants and Louie and FnL headed for home.. Louie's wife was at FnL's house and at their arrival FnL wanted him to go in to help explain.. Louie tells him " you tell my wife to come out here , we going home.. This did happen as told to me, I believe it !!
    Last edited by benaslopoke; 02-28-2018 at 03:25 PM.

  17. #617
    President Member 55s's Avatar
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    Explanation Of Politicians - "Post Turtle"

    While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

    Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

    The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”

    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

    The old farmer said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

    The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there,
    he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of fool put him up there to begin with.”
    Last edited by 55s; 03-04-2018 at 09:28 AM.

  18. #618
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    Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.



    The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

    "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

    Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

    I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

    I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

    I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

    On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

    At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

    The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

    I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

    I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

    Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

    Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

    He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

    I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest.....






  19. #619
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    A guy and a girl meet at a bar.











    They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.




    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.












    He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

    The girl has been watching him and says,

    "You must be a dentist."












    The guy, surprised, says,

    "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

    "Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."

    One thing leads to another and they make love.

    After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."







    The guy, now with an inflated ego, says,

    "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

    The girl replies....




    "I didn't feel a thing!"

























































































  20. #620
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    Our
    World Today....




    It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;




    8:00
    I made a snowman.




    8:10
    A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.




    8:15
    So, I made a snow woman.




    8:17
    The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.




    8:20
    The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.




    8:25
    The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.




    8:28
    I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.




    8:31
    The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.




    8:40
    Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.




    8:42
    I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"




    8:45
    Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.




    8:52
    My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.




    9:00
    I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.




    9:10
    I am asked if I have any accomplices.




    9:29
    A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.




    Moral:
    There is no moral to this story. It’s just the America we live in today!



















































  21. #621
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    I can Fix That



    OMG the last one is HYSTERICAL!!!




    I'm a Man. I can fix that!

    Don't have a spoon?


    New TV too big for the old cabinet
    I can fix that!



    No bottle opener?
    I can fix that!


    Room too dark using a single compact fluorescent?
    I can fix that



    Electrical problem?
    I can fix that!



    Car stereo stolen?
    I can fix that!



    Bookshelf cracking under excess weight?
    I can fix that!



    No ice chest?
    I can fix that!



    Can't read the ATM screen in daylight?
    I can fix that!



    Car imported from the wrong country?
    I can fix that!



    Satellite signal goes out when it rains?
    I can fix that!



    Electric stove broken. Can't heat coffee?
    I fixed that.



    Wiper motor burned out?
    I can fix that!



    Display rack falling over?
    I can fix that!



    Car can't be ordered with the 'Wood Trim' option?
    I can fix that!


    Exhaust pipe dragging?
    I can fix that!



    Gotta feed the baby AND do the laundry?
    I can fix that!


    Cables falling behind the desk?
    I can fix that!



    No skate park in town?
    I can fix that!



    And - last but not least - - - -
    Out of diapers? I can fix that!



    No need to thank me...
    Cuz I'm A Man and I can fix that!


    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  22. #622
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    Dead Penguins

    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?


    Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
    After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    [IMG]file:///C:\Users\dick\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.jpg[/IMG]

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

    It's so easy to fool
    OLD people!
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  23. #623
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”


    The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”


    The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”


    The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”


    After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”


    The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”


    The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”


    The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”

  24. #624
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    Foster Brooks and Dean Martin. Hilarious!




    This is so good. They don’t make em like this anymore.



    The Airline Pilot Comedy Sketch
















    https://www.chonday.com/16786/

  25. #625
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  26. #626
    President Member 55s's Avatar
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    Lexophilia

    She was only the Stableman’s daughter, but all the horse men knew her..
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put itdown.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
    I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
    I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
    A will is a dead giveaway.
    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
    He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
    When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
    Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
    Heard about the man who fell into a vat at the eyeglass company? He made a spectacle of himself.
    Last edited by 55s; 05-08-2018 at 06:32 PM. Reason: added

  27. #627
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."









  28. #628
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    The Indian With One Testicle
    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment,
    Onestone finally cracked and said,'
    If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
    'Good morning, Onestone..'
    He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
    He made love to her all the next day,
    Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
    A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
    Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
    Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
    Then he made love to her all day,
    Made love to her all night,
    Made love to her all the next day,
    Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
    Why ???
    OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
    Think about it !!!
    You're going to love this !!!
    Everyone knows..
    You can't kill Two Birds
    With
    OneStone !!!

  29. #629
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    Ronald Reagan tells Soviet jokes.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

  30. #630
    President Member DougHolverson's Avatar
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    Not mine, but perhaps the corniest gag ever....
    1963 Champ "Daisy Stu Bludebaker"- sometimes driver
    1957 Silver Hawk "Josie"- picking up the pieces after an unreliable body man let it rot for 11 years from an almost driver to a basket case
    1951 Commander Starlight "Dale"- basket case, next project after the Hawk
    1947 Champion "Sally"- basket case
    1941 Commander Land Cruiser "Ursula"- basket case

  31. #631
    Champion Member
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    A man had his hand full but needed his keys. He asked the woman next to him if she would reach into his pants pocket for the keys. She said "I feels crazy doing this."
    He replied "IF you reach any deeper, you'll feel nuts"

  32. #632
    President Member
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    LOVE THESE ONES
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....
    ______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ______________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....
    ______________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...
    ______________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ______________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......
    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ______________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........
    ______________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.















  33. #633
    President Member
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    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

  34. #634
    President Member
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    Just wanted to go on record as saying the above is WAY funny!

  35. #635
    Speedster Member
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    One for the grandkids

    What do you call a bear with no teeth?
    "A Gummy Bear."
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  36. #636
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    Location
    Starke, FL
    Posts
    326
    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
    2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
    4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me."
    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
    7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that dinner is finished."
    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
    13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
    15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
    19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
    20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
    22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
    23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
    24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
    25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

  37. #637
    President Member Noxnabaker's Avatar
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    #636, number 24 is like my parents (mostly mum) used to say:
    "You'll understand that when you're grown up" & now at almost 58 years of living I reckon my parents must have been way more inteligent than me cuz I still aint smart enough to figure it all out...
    & that's a "joke" right out of real life.
    Last edited by Noxnabaker; 05-17-2018 at 02:34 PM.


    Josephine
    -55
    Champion V8
    4d sedan

  38. #638
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
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    17,908
    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake, finds his way to a bar stool
    and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ”Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?”


    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old


    blind cowboy says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,


    that you should know five important things:


    1. The bartender is a blond girl who’s holding a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blond girl with a billy-club.
    3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.


    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blond joke?”


    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well hell no, not if


    I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

  39. #639
    President Member
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    Irish Hunting Trip:

    Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

    They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
    They managed to bag 6.

    As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
    The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six.

    The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

    The plane took off however, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

    Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
    After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

    Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."








  40. #640
    President Member
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    Paddy's in jail.

    The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
    "What are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
    "It should be round your neck," says the guard.
    "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

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