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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #721
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
    Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
    'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

  2. #722
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little BerettaJetfire.25 caliberpistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estrangedhusband's knee cap was all it took....
    The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’sfees was really incredible.

  3. #723
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    Crow Road-kills

    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

    The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."


  4. #724
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

    As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

    Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

    When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

    Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

    So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

    "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

  5. #725
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  6. #726
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    Subject: Fwd: Top 5 Smart Ass Answers


    SMART ASS ANSWER #5

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
    tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
    he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat,
    she said, 'Sir, I need
    to see your ticket, not your stub.'


    SMART ASS ANSWER #4

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
    she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
    boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead ......'


    SMART ASS ANSWER #3

    The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
    speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,'
    the officer said.
    The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
    without a ticket.


    SMART ASS ANSWER #2

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
    that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right
    in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up
    for miles.
    Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
    to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck,
    huh?'
    The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out
    of gas.'


    SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
    class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
    might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
    or a death in your family, but that's it, no other excuses
    whatsoever!'
    A smart ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
    'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
    and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter
    and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
    knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I
    guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'








  7. #727
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
    The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”
    Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
    Man: “Not particularly but she will be home shortly”.

  8. #728
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    Somebody posts an ad in California for a barn find R4 Lark for $1500.................

  9. #729
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    Quote Originally Posted by DEEPNHOCK View Post
    Somebody posts an ad in California for a barn find R4 Lark for $1500.................
    A diesel one, no less!

  10. #730
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    I am a Policeman. While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
    Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain !

    http://sites.google.com/site/intrigu...tivehistories/

    (/url) https://goo.gl/photos/ABBDQLgZk9DyJGgr5

  11. #731
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  12. #732
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  13. #733
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  14. #734
    President Member Noxnabaker's Avatar
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    #731 & 733 are way to close to reality to be funny jokes... sadly to say.


    Josephine
    -55
    Champion V8
    4d sedan

  15. #735
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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  16. #736
    President Member 55s's Avatar
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    Minnie and Mickey Mouse are in court in front of a judge. They are presenting reasons why they should have a divorce.

    The judge is summarizing: “No Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s a little crazy. Being a little crazy is not grounds for divorce.”

    Mickey replies, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was f————— Goofy.”

  17. #737
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    That's one of my all time favorites!

  18. #738
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    Yup! I agree with skyway. It was first told to me in the best old world Italian family restaurant (I was about late 20's) I had ever experienced. The little grey haired lady was well into her 70's and she shuffled away cackling because of how much she surprised me & my date. It's seared into my memory bank forever.
    Bill

  19. #739
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    Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says

    "I'm sleeping with the vicar's wife. Can you keep him in church for an hour after service for me?"



    The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.



    After the service, Bob starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

    Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.



    Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar...

    "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."



    The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...

    "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".



  20. #740
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  21. #741
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    Erin go bragh!


  22. #742
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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  23. #743
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    A guy goes into a bar in Dallas, where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"



    The guy replies "Whiskey."



    The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



    The guy says, "168."




    The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.




    After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.



    The robot asks, "What's your drink?"



    The guy answers, "Whiskey."



    The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



    The man replies,"100."



    The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Broncos, the Steelers and the Seahawks.



    The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.



    He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.



    The man replies, "Whiskey."



    The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



    The man answers, "50."



    The robot leans in real close and asks, "So . . . are you people . . . still happy . . . with Trudeau?"


    Robot Bartender

    A guy goes into a bar in Dallas, where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"



    The guy replies "Whiskey."



    The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



    The guy says, "168."




    The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.




    After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.



    The robot asks, "What's your drink?"



    The guy answers, "Whiskey."



    The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



    The man replies,"100."



    The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Broncos, the Steelers and the Seahawks.



    The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.



    He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.



    The man replies, "Whiskey."



    The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"



    The man answers, "50."



    The robot leans in real close and asks, "So . . . are you people . . . still happy . . . with Trudeau?"



  24. #744
    Silver Hawk Member Studedude's Avatar
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    When three people have sex, it's called a threesome.

    When two people have sex, it's called a twosome.

    This explains why some fellows are called... handsome.
    Last edited by Studedude; Yesterday at 12:59 PM.

    Dave Lester

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