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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #641
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
    She hears a voice over the radio saying:
    "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I’m in the front seat."
    "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven . . . .."

  2. #642
    Silver Hawk Member Studedude's Avatar
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    Do ya know why God created Adam before Eve?


    He didn't want to be told how to do it!

    Dave Lester

  3. #643
    Silver Hawk Member Studedude's Avatar
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    'Told my wife the other day I have decided I want to be cremated.

    She has it scheduled for next Tuesday.

    Dave Lester

  4. #644
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    Quote Originally Posted by Studedude View Post
    'Told my wife the other day I have decided I want to be cremated.

    She has it scheduled for next Tuesday.
    I clued my kids in on my similar desire. Funny, same action on their part too...

  5. #645
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
    He seemed surprised that I picked up a stranger and asked
    "Thanks but why did you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

    I told him that I knew I was safe because the chances of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time would be astronomical !
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff


    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain



    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  6. #646
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  7. #647
    Golden Hawk Member BobPalma's Avatar
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    Two ladies arrive in heaven and the following conversation takes place:

    1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
    2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.
    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. So, what about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!
    We've got to quit saying, "How stupid can you be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

    Ayn Rand:
    "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality."

    G. K. Chesterton: This triangle of truisms, of father, mother, and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.

  8. #648
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted
    after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she
    pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to
    write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks
    at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
    “Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!”
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff


    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain



    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  9. #649
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    12 Italian Priests

    Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to lineup in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,big breasted, nude model danced before them.

    Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

    The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

    As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.

    ----




  10. #650
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    1) The first applicant of the day explains to St. Peter that his last day was not a


    good one.


    "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed

    she had just gotten out of the shower.
    Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was

    completely dry too.
    I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her

    lover.



    I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy

    clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

    I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower

    pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

    On seeing he was still alive I found superhuman strength to drag

    our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and
    killed him.



    At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart

    attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.


    2) The second applicant said that his last day was his worst...


    "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment,
    and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
    I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot
    came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.


    I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I

    looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way,
    but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest."

    Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to

    the waiting room.

    3) Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day

    enters.


    He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as

    interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

    I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in

    this cedar chest…






  11. #651
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    I was planning a trip to Australia. Was asked if I had a criminal record. I responded that I didn't realize it was still a requirement.

  12. #652
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

    I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

    I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
    HTIH (Hope The Info Helps)

    Jeff


    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain



    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  13. #653
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    Wife: "So, what did you do today ?"




    Husband: "I changed a light bulb."




    Wife: "That's all"? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, cooked three meals, and more, and you changed a light bulb?





    Husband: "Yeah, but I filmed it."





    click HERE





























  14. #654
    Silver Hawk Member Bob Andrews's Avatar
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    I don’t know if it was posted earlier in this thread.

    A couple weeks ago I picked up a hitchhiker. He was grateful, and said thanks for stopping man, but how do you know I’m not a mass murderer? I said to him, the odds of two mass murderers being in one vehicle have to be astronomical.

    For whatever reason, he suddenly decided he didn’t need a ride after all.

  15. #655
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    Here’s a little bit of religion for ya !!!!!




















    THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach..... And BBQ's....









    He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.









    On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.










    On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..










    On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans,chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.




    So God created Mates, and God saw

    that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good . .. Well.... Almost good.....






    He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

    So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good..... It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!







  16. #656
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  17. #657
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    For those in the hurricane zone...
    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  18. #658
    Commander Member LarkingAround's Avatar
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    I went into a pet shop.....

    Assistant "Can I help you?"

    Me "I want to buy a wasp."

    Assistant "We don't sell wasps."

    Me "Well there's one in the window."

  19. #659
    Commander Member LarkingAround's Avatar
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    My wife and daughter (both blondes) were walking along the street and find a small mirror. My daughter picks it up...

    Daughter looks at it and says "I know the person in that picture."

    The wife takes it from her, looks at it and says "Yeah, it's me you idiot."

  20. #660
    Commander Member LarkingAround's Avatar
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    Two blondes were making their way along a grass verge at the side of the road. One was digging holes every few feet, the other followed behind and filled them in.

    A small group gradually formed and watched these two women doing this for about half an hour. Finally a guy walks up to one of the women.....

    Guy "Excuse me ma'am but I have to ask, what are you two doing?"

    Blonde "Planting trees."

    Guy "But.....there are no trees planted in the holes."

    Blonde "That's Roxy's job, she's on holiday."

  21. #661
    Silver Hawk Member Bob Andrews's Avatar
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    At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
    The boy decides to go home and try it out.
    He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
    His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
    The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees his uncle Bob.
    The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
    Bob, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your ol man a big hug."

  22. #662
    Golden Hawk Member 8E45E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bob Andrews View Post
    I don’t know if it was posted earlier in this thread.

    A couple weeks ago I picked up a hitchhiker.
    Yes.

    On this exact same page, less than ten posts before yours.

    Craig
    Last edited by 8E45E; 09-21-2018 at 09:24 AM.

  23. #663
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
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    The best joke?

    Craig posting about a previous duplicate post....again...

    (copy)
    Originally Posted by Bob Andrews
    I don’t know if it was posted earlier in this thread.

    A couple weeks ago I picked up a hitchhiker.



    Yes.

    On this exact same page, less than ten posts before yours.

    Craig

  24. #664
    Golden Hawk Member 8E45E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DEEPNHOCK View Post
    The best joke?

    Craig posting about a previous duplicate post....again...:!!
    But YOU were here FIRST with yours!!

    Craig

  25. #665
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    Settle down boys. Try this one on:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J32TRexMs4w


    Bill

  26. #666
    President Member 55s's Avatar
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    Garfield on the Oil Crisis: (For Canadians)

    A lot of folks can't understand how we came

    to have an oil shortage here in Canada .

    Well, there's a very simple answer,
    Nobody bothered to check the oil.

    We just didn't know we were getting low.


    The reason for this is purely geographical.


    Our Oil is located in:

    ALBERTA
    SASKATCHEWAN
    BRITISH COLUMBIA
    MANITOBA
    COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
    COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND


    Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA !!!!

  27. #667
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    Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

    If you can't eat it or play with it,

    Pee on it and walk away
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  28. #668
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

    "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this
    'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my
    Daddy sleeps naked!"

    Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for
    thirty-some-odd years.
    Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger
    what he meant by that.

    Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
    little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always
    told her the truth.

    "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here
    low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
    Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken
    pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said
    to my Ma,

    "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay
    back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

    "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants,
    no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun
    on the snoop.

    Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun
    through the window of the coop. As he stared into the
    darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip,
    had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up
    behind Daddy.

    Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done
    went and stuck his cold nose on my Daddy's behind!"

    "Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since
    three o'clock this mornin!"

  29. #669
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    The reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and
    "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends": When babies crap in
    their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

    When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

    Glad to get that straightened out.

  30. #670
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    - - - Updated - - -



    - - - Updated - - -



    - - - Updated - - -

    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  31. #671
    Chief Cat Herder showbizkid's Avatar
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    Exclamation Simmer down.

    Guys, I shouldn’t have to remind you of this, but:
    1. No profanity
    2. No lewd / crude humor
    3. No racial / ethnic stuff
    4. No photos in poor taste or of an explicit nature


    Have fun, but keep it clean. First I hand out infractions, then suspensions, then close the thread. Don’t make me do that.
    Clark in San Diego
    '63 Standard (F2) "Barney"
    http://studeblogger.blogspot.com

  32. #672
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  33. #673
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
    The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.
    She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
    Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
    "The first is that I iron better than you."
    Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
    Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
    Wife: "Oh yeah?"
    Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
    Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
    Maria: "Jor hozban did"
    Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
    Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
    Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
    "And did my husband say that as well?"
    Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did."
    Wife: "So how much do you want?"


  34. #674
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
    carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

    My work is done here.

  35. #675
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

    Theirs will be first on the schedule.

    The older boy leans over and asks,

    "What are you having done?"

    The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

    The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.

    I had that done when I was four.
    They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
    they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
    It's a breeze."

    The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

    The first boy says, "Circumcision."

    "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
    "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
    Couldn't walk for a year."

  36. #676
    President Member
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    A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta
    Airport .

    The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is
    your Captain.
    We're on our final descent into Coolangatta.
    I want to thank you for flying with us today and
    hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast".

    He forgets to switch off the intercom.
    Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the
    cockpit.

    The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
    "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're
    on the Gold Coast?"

    "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna
    check into the hotel, take a big crap....then
    I'm gonna take that new stewardess with
    the huge hooters out for dinner.

    I'm gonna wine and dine her,
    take her back to my room and give her
    a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

    Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears
    this and immediately begins looking up and
    down he aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess
    is that the pilot's talking about.

    Meanwhile,
    the new stewardess is seated at the very
    back of the plane. She is so
    embarrassed that she starts running
    toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.



    Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old
    lady's bag and down she goes.

    The old lady leans over and says: "No need
    to hurry,
    dear...He's gotta land the plane and take a **** first."








  37. #677
    President Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

  38. #678
    Speedster Member toymobile's Avatar
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    Very funny

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENARMPuU758
    Last edited by toymobile; 10-15-2018 at 07:24 AM.

  39. #679
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    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
    "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

    His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:



    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3 - Half the people you know are below average.

    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

    19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    And the all-time favourite

    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
























  40. #680
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    British Columbia & Arizona
    Posts
    2,259
    Red Tomatoes

    A mature and well educated woman loved her veggie patch and particularly growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.




    One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge bright red tomatoes.
















    The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”



















































    The gentlemen responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much Somebody else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work”.







    Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
















































    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"










    No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."



























































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