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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #561
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Lititz,PA , USA.
    Does this sound familiar to anyone?

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye and they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there’s a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

  2. #562
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    marana, Arizona
    Well written...but don't you think you should have asked before you decided to write about me?

  3. #563
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Woodinville, WA
    A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!
    I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband
    Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  4. #564
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    Conversation between a man and his financial planner.
    Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

    Woman: Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes

    Woman: How many beers a day?
    Man: Usually about three

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
    Man $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
    Man: About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
    Man: Correct

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
    Man: Correct

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.
    Man: Where is your airplane?

    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  5. #565
    President Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Niantic, CT USA
    Lady golfer's secret!

    A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. All of a
    sudden one is transferred to another city and they were lost without him.

    A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their
    golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty
    good. Mind if I join you next week?"

    No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says,
    "Okay, but we start at 6:30 AM." He figures the early tee-time will
    discourage her.

    The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15
    minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "OK."

    She's there at 6:30 AM sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening
    2-under-par round.

    She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her
    and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at
    6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays

    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par
    round, despite playing with her off-hand.

    They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and
    a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a
    burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week
    she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
    However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they
    can't hold a grudge.

    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers
    in the clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide
    if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned
    I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I
    got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the

    From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the
    morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his johnson points
    to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf

    The guys think this is hysterical.

    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's
    pointing straight up?"

    She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

  6. #566
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year.
    Such songs as "Hello Walls", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline
    "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favourites.
    He is also a well-recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

    Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly
    the words of a deep thinker.

    So simple, yet so profound!
    Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher,
    Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer,
    on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait.
    Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise
    and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

    [Willie Nelson]

    "I've outlived my dick."
    A Poem - by Willie Nelson

    My nookie days are over,
    My pilot light is out.
    What used to be my pride and joy,
    Is now my water spout.
    Time was when, on its own accord,
    From my trousers it would spring.
    But now I've got a full time job,
    To find the friggin thing.
    It used to be embarrassing,
    The way it would behave.
    For every single morning,
    It would stand and watch me shave.
    Now as old age approaches,
    It sure gives me the blues.
    To see it hang its little head,
    And watch me tie my shoes!!

    Attachments area

  7. #567
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take the time off.

    I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

    So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

    My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

    I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

    I told him I was a light bulb.

    He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

    I jumped down and walked out of the office...

    When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '
    ..And where do you think you're going?!'

    She said, 'I'm going home, too.
    I can't work in the dark.

    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  8. #568
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride
    and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly
    turned to chaos.
    The bride slapped the groom.
    The groom's mother fainted.
    The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
    The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
    The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

    Note: SDC# 070190 (and earlier...)

  9. #569
    President Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    British Columbia & Arizona
    We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts” or with “Balls”.

    Do they however, know the difference between them?

    Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323;

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

    BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

    I trust this clears up any confusion.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

  10. #570
    President Member 55s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Caledon East, ON, Canada.
    Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

    As you study for exams, remember its not the quantity it's the quantity. And remember there is no substitute for pure unadulterated bull

    Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
    "First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
    Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

    1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
    2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
    The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

  11. #571
    President Member 55s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Caledon East, ON, Canada.
    The following questions were in last year's GED (grade 12equivalent) examination-- (These are genuine answers).

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reachespuberty,
    he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

    Q. What happens to your body as you age?
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow.
    (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g Theabdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and theabdominal cavity.
    The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and theabdominal
    cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    (That would work.)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A. When you are sick at the airport.

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


  12. #572
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Woodinville, WA
    "Every man I meet on the street is superior to me in some respect, and from that I can learn."
    R.W. Emerson

  13. #573
    Golden Hawk Member DEEPNHOCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Brooklet, GA, USA. Planet Earth
    How I Nearly Became A Doctor:

    When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

    One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

    Those who answered spine are doctors today.

    The rest of us are just posting jokes on forums.

  14. #574
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Pine Grove Mills, Pa, USA.
    An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
    The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
    He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.`
    As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
    The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything.
    The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
    Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
    This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`
    As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`
    The old woman answers... `THE TEETH.`

  15. #575
    President Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Charleston, SC, .
    Ten year old Johnny answered the door holding a glass of scotch & smoking a cigar.
    The salesman asked "Is your mother home?"
    Johnny flicked his ash on the floor & said "What the hell you think?"

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