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Thread: Your Best Joke

  1. #1
    President Member 55s's Avatar
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    Your Best Joke

    I am looking for some good jokes. I know that funny is in the ear of the beholder, so we may not agree on what's funny. However, to get the ball rolling, here's one I think is pretty good to get a start.

    A man who is carrying a black bag goes into a bar. He sits down and has a drink with the man next to him. After a few drinks, the man without the bag notices strange sounds coming from the bag. He asks what is in there.

    The first man opens the bag, pulls out a small piano, and a little man, about a foot high, dressed in green. This little guy can really play. Soon the whole bar is requesting songs and singing along.

    The second man asked "How did you find this little guy?"

    The first man said that the black bag was magic. You get one wish and you ask the bag for it.

    So the second man, shouts into the bag says "I want a million bucks".

    Suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks. The second man said "I asked for a mllion BUCKS not a million DUCKS!"

    To which the first man replies "How do you think I got a twelve inch pianist?"

    Paul

  2. #2
    Golden Hawk Member JDP's Avatar
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    Woman sitting on a bus with her baby in her arms when a drunk sits down next to her and says: "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

    After seeing how upset the woman gets, he stumbles to another seat.

    A few minutes later, another guy sits next to the lady and baby and noticing the lady seems upset, he asks why ?

    The lady says " That drunk just insulted me and I fell like slapping him."

    The guy says, "Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you"


    JDP/Maryland

  3. #3
    Golden Hawk Member BobPalma's Avatar
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    Minister accepts a call to a new community. He's calling door to door one day on his bicylcle and chances upon a youngster with a lawn mower for sale.

    He needs a lawnmower for his new house and doesn't really ride the bike all that much, so he offers to trade the kid even up for the bike. Deal.

    'Next day, the kid is out riding the bike and goes past the Pastor's house. Pastor is in the front yard trying to get the mower started. He stops the kid and says, "Hey, how do you get this thing started?"

    The kid says, "Oh, you have to give it a good cussin', then it'll start."

    Pastor is shocked and offended, "Young man, I'll have you know I am a man of cloth. Since taking my vows, I have forgotten all the profanity I ever knew."

    The kid replies, "Well, that's OK; keep yanking on that rope and it'll all come back to you!" BP

  4. #4
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    Not really a joke, but I laugh every time I think of Rodney Dangerfield saying, "My wife's so slow, it takes her an hour-and-a-half to watch 60 Minutes"!

    Bill Pressler
    Kent, OH
    '63 Lark Daytona Skytop R1
    '64 Daytona Hardtop

  5. #5
    Silver Hawk Member 52-fan's Avatar
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    Two men are in a ship wreck on a Saturday afternoon and manage to get to a very small island. The first man runs around all over the island and begins moaning to the second man that there is no food or water on the island and they are sure to die. The second man just sits against a tree smiling and looking out toward the horizon.
    The first man becomes more agitated and yells at the second man. "How can you sit there so calm? Didn't you hear what I said? We are going to starve. No one knows where we are!" The first man just continued to smile and look out to sea.
    The first man is now screaming at the second and finally the man responds, "Back home I make $100,000 a week and I tithe a tenth of my income every Sunday." The first man responds,"So what, your money won't help you now!" The second man says, "You just don't understand. If I don't show up for church tomorrow, I know my preacher will find me."


    1952 Champion Starlight, 1962 Daytona, both w/overdrive.Searcy,Arkansas
    "I may be lazy, but I'm not shiftless."

  6. #6
    President Member Lark Parker's Avatar
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    This was the one I really, really liked on the World's Best Joke list:

    Texan: “Where are you from?”

    Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

    Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

    LP

  7. #7
    President Member Johnnywiffer's Avatar
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    Not new but.....Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

    John

  8. #8
    President Member Lark Parker's Avatar
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    And the only one I remember on my own:

    An old man, who is hard of hearing, is with his wife in the doctor's office as they finish the man's physical.
    The doctor says, "I will need a blood sample, a urine sample, a feces sample and a sperm sample."
    The old man says, "What?"
    The wife says, "He wants your shorts."

    LR

  9. #9
    Golden Hawk Member bams50's Avatar
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    I have too many to count, but here's just one:

    I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

    The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

    After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

    The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

    After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

    'Because I don't want any of those bimbos sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

    And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

    Robert (Bob) Andrews Owner- Studebakeracres- on the IoMT (Island of Misfit Toys!)
    Parish, central NY 13131

    "Some people live for the rules, I live for exceptions"- 311

    "Do they all not, by mere virtue of having survived as relics of a bygone era, amass a level of respect perhaps not accorded to them when they were new?"




  10. #10
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    I am of no help here. I am still trying to figure out the termite joke. [:I] Tracy

    Can't wait to drive my V-8!
    '63 Lark

  11. #11
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    My favorite joke is a visual[], so when ya'll come by here [8D] I'll show ya.

    '50 Champion, 1 family owner


  12. #12
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    This girl was so fat, she would have been a medium size at Walmart.

    A priest, minster and Rabbi were playing golf. They were behind a foresome that was taking up to an hour for every hole. They went to the club manager and said,"what is the deal? we will be here all day." The manager said, "gentlemen, that forsome is made up of four blind men." The priest says," Forgive me mother of God, I have past judgement on another." The minster, "I just did a sermon on intlorence, and here I am casting judgement on another". the Rabbi says, "What, they couldnt play at night?"

  13. #13
    Golden Hawk Member BobPalma's Avatar
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    quote:Originally posted by shewolf

    I am of no help here. I am still trying to figure out the termite joke. [:I] Tracy
    Don't feel bad; I had to think on it awhile, too.

    The key to "getting it" is to split the word bartender into two words.

    The termite asks, "Is the bar tender here?" implying that he'd like to chew on the bar, but only if it is tender.

    At least I think that's the joke.[8] BP

  14. #14
    Silver Hawk Member 53k's Avatar
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    I kind of liked this one:

    The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
    'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die. She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow.'




    Paul Johnson, Wild and Wonderful West Virginia. '64 Daytona Wagonaire, '64 Daytona convertible, '53 Commander Starliner, Museum R-4 engine, '62 Gravely Model L, '72 Gravely Model 430


  15. #15
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    OK, safe and kids love this one.

    A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve ropes here. Get out."

    So the rope goes into the bathroom, winds himself all around, looping in and out, and bangs his ends against the counter until they are all fuzzy. Then he goes back to the bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender is pretty put out and asks, "Aren't you that same rope I told to get out of here a minute ago?" The rope says,

    "NO - I'M A FRAYED KNOT"

    Jim

    ____1966 Avanti II RQA 0088_______________1963 Avanti R2 63R3152____________Rabid Snail Racing

  16. #16
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    Another, a little unPC, but since our youngest was ADHD and other parents loved it better than anyone, here goes.

    How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Let's ride bikes!!!!

    Jim

    ____1966 Avanti II RQA 0088_______________1963 Avanti R2 63R3152____________Rabid Snail Racing

  17. #17
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    A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
    A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. In English, he said, A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.
    A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.


    Jeff Jones
    Tucson Arizona
    1947 M-5

  18. #18
    President Member silverhawk's Avatar
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    Here is one that was forwarded to me awhile back that I thought was funny. I couild also have a bad sense of humor. Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U..S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.
    The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

    Katie Couric said,'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

    The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.

    Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

    Charlie Gibson said, I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
    The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music ..
    He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

    Gibson was satisfied.

    Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

    The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

    He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

    The leader turned and said,

    "And now, Mr U.S. Marine, what is your final wish ???"

    "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
    What? asked the leader, Will you mock us in your last hour?

    "No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

    So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

    The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

    In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

    As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place ??? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass ???"

    "What ???" replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor....???"

    Dylan Wills

    '61 lark deluxe 4 door wagon

  19. #19
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    This one stumped my Daughter,"though I know you guys will have the answer"

    What two words can you put hundreds of letters into?

    Joseph R. Zeiger

  20. #20
    Speedster Member Collection Doctor's Avatar
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    quote: What two words can you put hundreds of letters into?
    Trash can, mail box or Zip Van.

  21. #21
    Golden Hawk Member rockne10's Avatar
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    Uh....? Postal receptacle?

    Un-PC DB joke.

    A blonde enters a beauty salon to have her hair done. She's wearing a set of earphones. The beautician reaches to remove the earphones but the blonde says, "Don't do that!"
    "But I can't do your hair with those on", replies the beautician.

    The blonde retorts, "If I take them off I will die. I must insist you do not remove them."

    The beautician proceeds to do her job working around the earphones.
    In fairly short order the customer falls asleep and the beautician decides she will not notice their absence and removes them.

    When she is done she replaces the earphones and attempts to awaken the lady but there is no response. She is, in fact, dead.

    The beautician wonders what in the world is going on and brings the earphones to her head and hears, "Breath in...Breath out...Breath in...Breath out..."

  22. #22
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    Great joke Dylan, I laughed my a$$ off!

    Two thumbs up for the Marine.

    Bill

  23. #23
    President Member tomnoller's Avatar
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  24. #24
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    Three blondes, an American, a Brit and a Canadian died and found themselves before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom they had to tell him what Easter represented.
    The Americn said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey".
    St. Peter said "Nooooo" and he banished her to Hell.
    The Brit was asked the same question and responded,"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and give out presents".
    St Peter said "Noooo" and also banished her to Hell.
    When the Canadian was asked the question she responded " Easter is a Christian Holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and He eventually died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder......
    St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."
    Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees His shadow we have six more weeks of hockey."
    St. Peter fainted.



  25. #25
    President Member Sdude's Avatar
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    A cop pulls over a man for speeding. The driver begins arguing with the officer insisting that he was indeed not exceeding the speed limit. The policeman, in frustration, turns to the femail passenger and asks her, "ma'am, surely you noticed the excessive speed, he was driving more than 20 MPH over the posted limit". She turned to the patrolman and said "officer, I've been married to this man for 35 years and I have learned not to argue with him when he's been drinking!"

    Jon Stalnaker
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  26. #26
    President Member Sdude's Avatar
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    OK, just one more.....

    Saint Peter is addressing the latest arrivals at the pearly gates. He told them "in order to get in, you must be able to convey a story that demonstrates a heroic act". The first man, a veteran, told him how he saved his entire platoon during WWII by single handedly taking out an enemy bunker. Saint Peter said "oh yes I remember that act, please enter." The second man, a firefighter, described how he once saved an elderly lady and her cat from a burning building. Saint Peter said " that was indeed very brave, I remember that well, please come in." The third man told him "I saw a pack of bikers abusing a young woman and decided to put a stop to it. I picked out the biggest, meanest looking one and punched him right in the face." Saint Peter said "Wow, that does sound heroic. I'm not aware of that action. When did you do this?"
    The man stated - "about five minutes ago."

    Jon Stalnaker
    Editor, Hawk Talks
    Karel Staple Chapter SDC

  27. #27
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    Bill Cosby: "One day I was driving my friends VW In San Fransisco. I was coming up to this hill so I decided to floor it. 20, 60, 80, I look over and some numbskull put a stopsign at the top of that hill. As I sat there, I knew that the instant I took my foot off the brake onto the gas, I would have drifted backward into the bay. And saint Peter won't let you into heaven that way. I get to heaven:

    St. Peter: "How did you die?" me: "Me and a volkswaged drifted backward into the bay!" St Peter: "You go to Hell!"

    (I had to shorten and paraphrase that one a bit, but it is one of my favorite cosby sketches)

    Later I have a blonde joke when I have more time to type.




    1963 Lark, 259 V8, two-tone paint, Twin Traction. Now that the salt is off the roads, she is getting back into regular rotation!

  28. #28
    President Member wolfie's Avatar
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    A womman running late for work passes a traffic cop who in turn pulls her over.He asks what her hurry is and she says she has a very important procedure at work she must get to so the officer asks what her job is that she should be in such a hurry. She tells him "I am an a**hole stretcher. He of course says what so she explains, we start slowly and stretch them out to over 6 feet. He asks and just what do you with a 6 foot a**hole? She says give him a radar gun,park him behind a bridge.. Steve

  29. #29
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    So a blonde walks into an appiance store wanting to buy a television. She walks up to the counter with her purchase and states to the cashier:

    "I would like to buy this television."

    The cashier looks her in the eyes, and matter-of-factly states:

    "We don't sell to blondes"

    Her face drops. She turns three shades of red, then in anger storms out shouting obscenities about how prejudiced the place is.

    A week later, she decides to try again. She dresses up, looking very good, as if she were going out on the town. She puts on alot of makeup and goes up. as luck would have it, the same cashier is on duty that day. The blonde tells herself:

    'don't worry, he won't recognize you'

    She sets her purchase on the counter and the cashier and says:

    I would like to buy this television."

    He looks at her and states again:

    "Ma'am, we don't sell to blondes"

    Again she storms out. the next day she gets a complete makeover. She even dies her hair brown. she goes into the same store and walks up to the same cashier and thinks to herself:

    "ha! Now he can't say that he won't sell this television to me!"

    The man looks at her after she has stated that she wants to buy the television and says:

    Ma'am, we do not sell to blondes."

    She gets upset.

    "What is the deal!? Why won't you sell me this TV? Look at my hair, I am not a blonde!!"

    The man calmly responds.:

    "ma'am, I have turned you away three times, every time you changed your appearance, but every time you also grabbed the same microwave."

    (granted, I heard this joke long before flat-panel lcd tvs were the norm)




    1963 Lark, 259 V8, two-tone paint, Twin Traction. Now that the salt is off the roads, she is getting back into regular rotation!

  30. #30
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    This one has been a favorite of mine for a few months.

    An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
    He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
    The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
    The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

    Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"

    Rob in ND
    '53 Commander resto-mod (work in process)


  31. #31
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    Tutone63's joke reminded me of my college dorm days. Cooking in the rooms was forbidden and searches were conducted fairly often to ferret out the hot plates, toasters, etc. A friend went 4 years with his microwave sitting on a small table in plain sight and was never caught. His trick? He placed a set of rabbit ears on top of the microwave. Looked just like a dial channel 12" TV. We would have done the same thing, but microwaves were very expensive then and we couldn't risk loosing the investment.

    And now the joke.

    A recent police academy graduate is placed on speed trap duty and the first night pulls a guy over for speeding. When asked for his license, the speeder tells the officer he had been drinking heavily that night and must have left his wallet back in the bar. The rookie immediately demands to see his registration and proof of insurance. The man answers that he would normally be happy to comply, but if he were to open the glove box, the officer would surely see his loaded gun. By this time the officer is getting quite excited and tells the offender that his car will be searched. The driver pleads with the young patrolman to please not search his vehicle as he had been in a drunken brawl outside the bar and the dead body in his trunk would discovered in the search. At this time, the officer knows he's getting in over his head and telling the man to stay put and holding his gun in one hand, desparately radios his sargeant for backup.

    The sargeant arrives and confronts the suspect. "The officer here tells me that in a drunken outburst you have killed a man outside a bar, placed his body in your trunk, and concealed the gun in your glovebox." The man calmly tells the sargeant, that the young patrolman was simply overexcited and shows him his ID. He opens the glovebox and shows that the only contents are the owner's manual, registration and proof of insurance. He then pops the trunk lid which is empty except for the spare and jack.

    The irritated sargeant asks the man why he thinks his officer would have called him out from home with such a ridiculous fabrication. The man replies, "He's a young kid drunk with the power of the uniform!! Heck, he probably even told you I was speeding, too."

    Jim

    ____1966 Avanti II RQA 0088_______________1963 Avanti R2 63R3152____________Rabid Snail Racing

  32. #32
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    A man walks in to a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks "what can I get ya?" The frog says "For starters, you can get this big wart off my butt".


  33. #33
    President Member PlainBrownR2's Avatar
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    This is a favorite of mine, even though it's a very very dated Leno joke:

    A researcher has discovered a method of power generation using human fecal matter. The methane produced is burned and used to drive a turbine on a generator. So when people call you a human dynamo, that means you're full of it.

    [IMG=left]http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t102/PlainBrownR2/55%20Studebaker%20Commander%20Streetrod%20Project/DSC00017-1-1.jpg[/IMG=left]
    [IMG=left]http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t102/PlainBrownR2/55%20Studebaker%20Commander%20Streetrod%20Project/DSC00015-2-1.jpg[/IMG=left]
    [IMG=right]http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t102/PlainBrownR2/Ex%20Studebaker%20Plant%20Locomotive/P1000578-1.jpg[/IMG=right]
    [IMG=right]http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t102/PlainBrownR2/My%201964%20Studebaker%20Commander%20R2/P1010168.jpg[/IMG=right]


  34. #34
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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

    It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!'

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee.

  35. #35
    President Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    , , Canada.
    Posts
    1,324
    The elderly wife was talking to her husband one day but he didnt seem to be able to hear her. "Have you got your hearing aid in?" she asked.
    "I think so" said the old gent.
    "Let me have a look in your ear" she said.
    "Thats not your hearing aid you old fool,thats your suppository"
    "Well",said the old guy,"I guess then I know where my hearing aid is"

  36. #36
    President Member Michidan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Kalamazoo, MI USA.
    Posts
    1,510
    An old classic - always comes to mind in the Michigan springtime.

    Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A. To prove to a possum that it could be done.


    www.studebakerhardtop.com

  37. #37
    President Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    North Pittsburgh, ,PA .
    Posts
    1,184
    A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender takes a look and says: "I'll serve you...but don't start anything!"

  38. #38
    jim nichols
    Guest
    I asked a friend and his sister, how their father managed to live to be 105 years old. He said their Dad took a little nip of bourbon with a pinch of gun powder every day of his adult life. I said at that age he must have left a large family and many other accomplishments behind. My friend said not really, only him, and his sister, five grand kids, two great grand kids and a fifty foot crater where the crematory once stood.

  39. #39
    Speedster Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    san antonio, tx, USA.
    Posts
    370
    TOOLS EXPLAINED

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
    chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
    freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
    where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
    and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
    to say, 'Oh no�

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
    of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
    race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
    to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
    into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
    the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
    on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
    to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
    butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses t oo short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
    is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
    parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
    use.

    DARN IT TOOL.: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling 'DARN IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
    often, the next tool that you will need.


    San antonio TX. 53 Champion Coupe, to be brought back from the dead.
    "Of course it will fit, I have a torch"

  40. #40
    Silver Hawk Member JBOYLE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Eastern Washington State, USA.
    Posts
    6,909
    You'll need to be 40+ to get this...

    Most American voters are so uninformed, they think Veto Powers is an Italian U-2 pilot.

    63 Avanti R1 2788
    1914 Stutz Bearcat
    (George Barris replica)

    Washington State

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